Characters/Pairings: No real pairings, but almost all the characters, basically
Warnings: Spoilers up to and including 2x03 - 'The Lady of the Lake'. Some swearing and bad language. Lots of bad humor
Genre: Crack/Humor/Crack/Crack/Even more crack
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in relation to this.
A/N: This fic is dedicated to fogsblue, because the idea for this came from some very cracky meta with her (which means I am blaming you for this!) and to the_silverdoe, as a lame attempt to cheer her up. Furthermore, I'm sorry everyone, for writing this. Really sorry. But I hope you have some fun with it anyway. I did.
Summary: A rare glimpse into some of the Written Word in Storybrooke (and beyond), including never-before-seen bits from Dr. Whale's diary, a letter from Henry to miss Blanchard and a series of texts about bird-poop.
Snow White Miss Blanchard
I am really sorry about
stealing borrowing your credit card. I know that was wrong of me, and it’s not usually what Princes heroes the good guys boys like me should be doing. I also realize it may get you into trouble, but you can always just shoot them with that handy bow and arrow you can always just tell them that you had nothing to do with it: I’ll tell them too, because I really don’t mean to get you into trouble, especially not when the Evil Queen my mom already hates despises wants to and tried to kill you isn’t all that fond of you. I know I didn’t have to get you involved, and I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think I had to. I mean seriously, I tried to steal Graham’s and then Mr Glass’ and Ruby’s first, but it’s like those people see everything and you’re apparently just a bit ditzy so it was easy to… I’ve been planning this for a while now, and since my original idea of using a giant trampoline and a catapult didn’t seem very safe, or even plausible, I decided that since you were once a robber as well and yet you’re still one of the good guys sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Again, I am very sorry about it all and I hope I’m still your favourite grandson student.
The following is a series of excerpts from Dr Whale’s (very very) private diary (it’s not a diary, it’s a manly logbook dammit!), dating from the start of his career at Storybrooke Hospital and until some odd events involving the hospitalization of Henry Mills and a weird purple cloud:
… Pretty sure someone is stealing sleeping pills from my cabinet. Need to ask Nurse Campbell what the hell is going on. She’s been flirting with that Jefferson guy again. Honestly. His hair is not as fabulous as mine.
… 12.15: Haven’t been sleeping well for a couple of weeks. Nurse C suggested I count sheep. John Doe started twitching in his sleep, but showed no other signs of waking. Weird.
… Ashley Boyd was in for a check-up with the baby again today. I swear, sometimes it feels like she’s been pregnant forever.
… Henry Mills in with a cold. Mayor very worried about him. She’s got a new haircut and she’s looking gooood. I may have whistled. She may have glared. Was that very unprofessional of me? Nah.
… Accidentally almost electrocuted patient when the old clocktower suddenly started chiming today. Don’t know what’s up with the world. That thing hasn’t been working for ages.
… John Doe’s woken up. Turns out his real name is David Nolan. Is kind of a douche. I am still the foxiest man in town.
… Went on a date with Mary Margaret. Big success. Am definitely catching some fish here.
… Her roommate is kinda cute too.
… Noticed today that the Mayor walked through a door in the hospital that leads to the asylum-section. Have never noticed that door before. Weird. But nevermind that.
… More sleeping drugs have been stolen. Also, Mary Margaret arrested for murder. Yikes.
… Henry Mills in the hospital. Vitals not looking good. Getting kind of worried – he’s a good little kid. Maybe he’ll be better later.
… Holy fucking Jesus. I had sex with Queen Snow White.
… Also, screw you Regina, and your stupid curses.
… Where did I put my pitchfork and my torches???
Mary, there’s bird-poop on the kitchen-counter. Again
So sorry, I promise it won’t happen anymore!
That’s what you said last time
It’s not my fault. They just sort of keep coming, y’know?
I don’t think that’s true. I think you attract them, somehow
What, like through the power of song?
Emma, you don’t seriously believe that, do you?
Emma, this is one of those instances where you don’t listen to Henry
Bird-poop. On. The. Kitchen-counter! Mary!
I know. I’m sorry.
So the birds were actually attracted to your song?
Yeah. You might want to stop whistling, for a while. Or forever
Being a princess sucks
So, did you change our names in your phonebook to ‘ma’ and ‘pa’ yet?
One more text about it, and so help me, I will start whistling
As a case-in-point, Sir Maurice of --- would like to assure whomever it may concern – namely the parents of said person - , that Sir Gaston of --- was offered all the help he might possibly need in his attempt to rescue Sir Maurice’s daughter Lady Belle from the beastly Dark One’s castle. He was offered men, weapons and aid, however grandly refused all of it, despite knowing that he was going up against the most powerful creature in this world. Considering it had been several months since Belle had been taken, Sir Maurice would like to point out that assuming Sir Gaston had some sort of sensible plan worked out, was not at all remiss. The fact that Sir Gaston has not been heard of nor seen since he left to retrieve the Lady Belle from the Dark One’s castle, is not in any way the fault of Sir Maurice or anyone in his court.
We cannot help that your son was a dumbass.
- Sincerely, Edgar, Messenger of the Royal Crown
NOTICE-BOARD IN THE TOWNS SQUARE READS:
Gepetto/Marko – Looking for son, Pinocchio. Sometimes wooden, but a real-live boy, we swear. Will take with and without strings.
Young Greek demi-god looking for a girl who won’t say she’s in love. If found, please contact Olympic Camera Shops.
Martial arts expert looking to make a man out of you.
Sally looking for Jack. Contact at Oogy-Boogey’s place, Halloween-street nr 13
Notice from Prince Charming/David Nolan/The goddamn acting Sheriff: to all you single, young girls, please stop walking around town looking for frogs and toads to kiss. Magic doesn’t work that way here. You’re getting too close to the border-line. It’s a safety-hazard and we’d prefer it if you didn’t. None of them are transformed, cursed Princes, I assure you.
Okay so maybe that ONE frog was. Still, just stop it!
Betting pools for guessing the identity of Dr Whale opens this Monday, and closes again Friday at 10.15 P.M. After this time, you cannot withdraw or change your bet. Winners will be announced the following Sunday.
Notice from Prince Charming/David Nolan/The goddamn acting Sheriff: People, when Jefferson tells you to follow the White Rabbit, he is not suggesting that we are part of the Matrix. Furthermore, Dr Whale is not allowed to outlaw pears. The ‘Doctor Who’ jokes were fun at first, but not anymore. Stop making TARDIS noises now, please.
Fairytale Land sucks
Yeah, well, it used to be better
Okay, seriously, stop acting like a child, maybe?
I never got to act like a child around you, because you SENT ME AWAY THROUGH A MAGICAL WARDROBE
… So, Fairytale Land sucks?
It SUCKS. And I’m BORED
TO THE CITIZENS OF STORYBROOKE
The incident with the Wraith was exactly that – one incident. It has been put under control now, and be rest assured that it was merely a Wraith: Storybrooke is not being invaded by Lord Voldemort and his followers. We are currently safe from any outside forces, and it appears that we are going to remain so for a good while yet. Please keep calm.
Also, Merlin would prefer it if you stopped calling him Dumbledore. Thanks.
- Sincerely, Prince Charming/Sheriff Nolan
You’re not supposed to say his name! – Whale
Oh for crying out… Dear citizens of Storybrooke
The incident with the Wraith was exactly that – one incident. EVERYTHING is under control. EVERYTHING. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. Okay?
- Sincerely, Prince Charming/Sheriff Nolan
Everything except for the fact that Rumplestiltskin is still roaming free after SETTING IT LOOSE, to get to Regina WHO IS ALSO STILL ROAMING FREE! – Whale
What??? – Cinderella
What did he just say? – Moe French
EXCUSE ME?? – The Blue Fairy/Mother Superior
Um… oops?… - Mr Gold
Sorry, man. Truth will out. Also, did Snow mention our little fling to you? Need to be honest, man – Whale
… DEAR CITIZENS OF STORYBROOKE
Dr Whale is right when he says there is cause for concern. The DEMENTOR that roamed free a couple of weeks ago – resulting in the loss of our beloved Queen Snow White and her and mine’s long-lost daughter and this town’s Sheriff Emma Swan – was set loose by none other than YOU-KNOW-WHO, the Dark Lord himself: Lord Voldemort.
Yes, people of Storybrooke. I have discovered the TRUE identity of Dr Whale.
- Sincerely Prince Charming/Sheriff Nolan (the guy who is very honest)
… Ooh, crap – Whale
Wait, wait… you’re texting David????
Yeah. Reception from here is really great
NOTICE-BOARD IN THE TOWNS SQUARE READS:
Lessons in shooting a crossbow
after those motherfucking wolves, at Granny’s Inn, 10.30. Come armed.
Volunteers for Mine-Work: meet up at the Town Hall, every morning at dawn (come armed)
Therapy-sessions!! (you know you need them!!!!! You were cursed! Cursed!!
I’m getting lonely all by myself here) Show up at Archie Hopper’s, at your own convenience
Library Now Open!
Lessons in Sword-Fighting with Prince Charming/Sheriff Nolan. Contact and come at your own convenience – you can fight my grandson first (as he’s already better than me…) (come armed)
Lessons in Kissing – if interested (c’mon you know you are) Come to the Hospital…
Notice from Prince Charming/David Nolan/The goddamn acting Sheriff: Dr Whale is henceforth banned from posting notices on the notice-board or anywhere else around town
Dear Writers of Once Upon a Time
I, Emma Swan, am writing you on behalf of a lot of people in the formerly cursed town, Storybrooke. We get that you’re trying to tell a story. We get that you need to advance the plot, and sometimes that means making loop-holes and plot-holes and everything. It can’t all be perfect. You need to focus on certain things before you can move on. We understand that.
But we do have several complaints: first of all, Kathryn/Princess Abigail would like to know what the hell happened to Frederick? If he’s been turned into gold again, she will kick your ass. Secondly, why are the nuns still regular sized and not all pixie-like and hiding in toadstools anymore? It’s weird. They might’ve looked like floating doughnuts, but hey, it was a style, and they were sticking by it. Now the fairies are still just nuns? What’s up with that?
Granny would like to complain that it has been more than a whole season now, and she has yet to actually shoot someone in the face. Shooting at Regina doesn’t count. She caught the arrow (like a true BAMF!) August would like to point out that he has nearly been used as kindle for a fire sixteen times now, and yeah, Dr Whale may have been joking, but he was carrying a lighter, and that is definitely a safety-hazard. Charming would like to complain that he had finally found his wife and daughter, only to have them brutally stripped away from him again. Prince Phillip says I stole his fighting scene with the dragon, apparently? (and some shit about having his soul sucked out, I don’t know) and Ruby… no, Ruby, I’m not writing that. If you want some more man-action (of the non-wolfing-out-and-eating them kind) so much, go do something about it yourself.
And last, but not least, I would like to complain about the goddamn idiotic ‘superpower’ you people gave me. I can tell when people are lying? Yeeah, that was fun for around nine episodes and then you decided it apparently didn’t count anymore. I fell for a hundred different lies! I was all over Cora – I almost gave her the other half of the BFF-necklace! Be rest assured, I’ve thrown my own half in the moat now – suck it, Mother of All Evil.
Writers, we love you for… well, creating us (and let’s face it, we are fabulous), but please get your shit together.
- Best of Wishes, Sheriff Emma Swan, the goddamn Hero of your goddamn show.
Ooooh, did you get to taste chimera yet? That used to be one of my favorites!
… Fairytale Land sucks