Fic: Christmas in the Tardis Part I (Doctor Who) - (Nana Does Christmas)

[keep_counting]

The last of the christmas-prompts! This one is for the-silverdoe who wanted a christmas-party in the TARDIS with Ten and Donna and whoever else I could squeeze in there: and believe me, squeezing has been done ;) Also, I hit the character limit and thus had to divide it into two parts! That has never happened before o.o I hope you like it!


Title: Christmas in the Tardis (Or the Reasons Why We Don't Do That) Part I
Characters/Pairings: Ten/Rose, Donna Noble, Jack Harkness, Sarah-Jane Smith, Amy Pond, Rory Williams
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Lots of sexual innuendoes, lots of swearing, drunken people and general shenanigans.
Genre: Humor/Romance/Fluff/Friendship/Pure Crack
Word-count: 3,219 (6,041 in all)
A/N: Christmas prompt for the_silverdoe
Summary: When they'd decided to celebrate Christmas back in Cardiff with Jack, this is probably not quite what the Doctor and his two companions had had in mind. And to think it all started with a severely misplaced mistletoe...

Part II is here

The Doctor had long ago accepted Christmas. He remembered in his first incarnation deeming it a silly and unnecessary holiday, but as the years went by and his fondness for humans grew, the tradition grew on him as well.

It helped make it even more enjoyable, when you had someone to share it with.

This year however, the Doctor was rather sure that he had too many to share it with.

“What in the name of sanity is that?”

Donna barely even bothered to lift her eyes from the magazine she was reading.

“What in the name of what is what?”

The Doctor glared. “That!”

Donna’s look was not unlike the one he often graced his companions with when they were being particularly dim-witted. “900 years of time and space, and you don’t recognize a mistletoe when you see one?”

The Doctor snorted. “Of course I recognize mistletoe. I was there when mistletoe first came to Earth from the planet Exaconellian. I was there when they first made tea out of it. I was there when they first started associating it with religious festive. I was…”

“Right, I get it,” Donna held up her hands, gesturing for him to keep his gob shut. “You’ve been around and apparently have a weird fetish for mistletoe. So why the question?”

The Doctor sighed, raking his hands over his face. “Donna...” he whined. “Why is it hanging by my console?”

“Because that’s where you always stand, and where Rose always moves to stand beside you,” Donna informed him, getting back to flickering through her magazine.

Heavy silence filled the air.

“Donna…”

“Oh, don’t you ‘Donna’ me,” she snapped, flinging the magazine away and standing up from her place on the jump-seat. “I am sick and tired of watching you two dance around each other and making lovey-dovey eyes when you think the other can’t see. The sexual tensions’ so thick I’m getting frustrated and I have to live here with you. It’s Christmas and you’re gonna stand under that mistletoe like a good little Time Lord, and if you’re very lucky and Rose hasn’t long ago jumped off the wagon that’s heading for you – and I have to say she’s bonkers for waiting this long and for such an idiot too – then she will snog you and then preferably shag the living daylights out of you and I will finally not feel like the sad lone watcher of a really corny romance movie anymore.”

The Doctor blinked.

“Um…”

“Don’t start.”

“But…”

“Nope. You’ll do as I said.”

“But I can’t just…”

“Can’t just what?” Donna arched an eyebrow and the Doctor swallowed visibly and had to firmly remind himself that he was a 900 year old Time Lord and he was not going to be intimidated by a human, even if she was ginger and frankly quite scary when she bared her teeth like that.

“Look, I told you, I do want to… well, that is, you know I…”

“Absolutely love Rose and would like to shag her senseless in every room of the TARDIS? Preferably not in mine, though. Gotta have a hiding place while you two get it on.”

The Doctor gaped, a blush grazing his cheeks. “Are you by any chance channelling Jack Harkness?”

Donna snorted. “Oh, please, Jack can ‘channel’ himself just fine. And it’s been nearly a month since you’ve had her back and she told you – again, might I add – that she loved you and… you did what, ruffled her hair kindly and told her to come along on adventure?”

The Doctor stuck his hands in his pockets. “No, not quite like that…”

“Well, you better buckle up before she gets enough and it will be too late. I can just imagine, a year from now, you finally caving down and she’s come to her senses and is running off with Jack…”

“What?” The Doctor shrieked, head snapping up to look at her. Donna smirked.

“Oh, you heard me. So you better actually kiss her under that mistletoe, you hear me?”

“But… won’t she think I’m doing it just for tradition? It’s just… I’ve only waited because… I wanted to be sure that she was sure… No, Donna, stop glaring like that!”

“Erm, am I interrupting?” Jack’s voice reached them, the door softly closing behind him. Donna smiled widely. The Doctor’s jaw clenched.

“Oh no-no, just having a friendly discussion,” Donna reassured, moving over to hug her newly-made friend. “How’re things?”

“Well, the others have gone home to celebrate with their families and Rose went down for some last-minute shopping. I was going to go with her but… Doctor? Why are you glaring at me? Did I do something wrong?”

“Er, he’s just… in a bad mood,” Donna mumbled as their friend swiftly turned around, the ends of his coat flailing dramatically in the air as he stalked away from them. “But I could actually use your help with something…”

 

oOo

 

“Um…”

“Don’t you like it?”

“Well…”

“Oh, come on. Don’t you like it even a little bit?”

“I like it, Donna.”

Donna smirked. “Why thank-you Rose. Seems at least someone in this room has decent taste.”

The Doctor glared. “’Decent taste?’ That Christmas-tree is, first of all so huge it could barely fit in the TARDIS and how the hell did you even decorate it? Did you shoot glittery stuff at it with a water cannon?”

“Yeah, how did you get it in through the TARDIS-doors?” Rose curiously asked, eyeing the fairly huge tree.

“Oh, Jack helped. That bloke really knows some tricks, plus he’s extremely flexible…”

“Alright, enough!” The Doctor interrupted, looking a divine mix of embarrassed and annoyed, especially when his two companions started giggling. “It’s not just that though, is it? You’ve decorated almost every room in the TARDIS! I’ve never seen so many elves in one place, and I’ve met Santa Claus!”

Rose’s eyes lit up. “Really? You have?”

“Yep,” The Doctor said, popping the ‘p’ in prideful tones. “Not as friendly as people think though – not the type of guy you’d want to bring you presents at least.”

“Okaaay, before we ruin the mood of Christmas completely, can one of you help me find something to put on top? I couldn’t find any stars in the boxes of decorations.”

“We could put the sonic screwdriver up there,” Rose mused, causing the Doctor to take a step back and glare at both of them.

“Don’t you dare!”

“Alright… how about a hat or something? Hmm, I dunno… any ideas? Did you ever decorate any tree-tops back on Gallifrey?”

“No we didn’t celebrate Christmas,” The Doctor responded, trying not to convey just how grateful he was for that fact.

“Any other celebrations?”

“Yes, we used to lower annoying companions into boiling pits of water.”

“Ha-bloody-ha.”

The Doctor sighed. “Look, it was you guys that even wanted to decorate in the first place, so it’s your problem yeah? I’m going to go read in my own room… at least you didn’t get your hands on that place…”

Rose bit the inside of her cheek, casting a quick glance at Donna who had her poker-face in perfect place. They waited in silence, listening to the sound of the Doctor moving down the hall before reaching his destination.

Dead-silence followed for seconds that stretched out into infinity. And then…

“DONNA!!”

 

oOo

 

“Do you think Jack has got a star for the top?” Rose mused, rifting through another box filled with a really outrages amount of useless stuff packed into it.

“I think Jack could get a fairly lewd thought out of that sentence,” Donna said, digging through her own box and getting more and more frustrated by the minute. “I’m not sure if he has one in the Hub though…”

“Well, we could always go check,” Rose said. “I mean, there’s bound to be something in the TARDIS, only problem is there’s such a large amount of rubbish in here that it could take us until the end of time to actually find anything. The Hub seems more… manageable.”

Donna sighed deeply. “But all they have is alien whats-it and things, and… and… and that blaster Jack pulled through the Rift, the one with that huge trigger shaped like…”

“Like a star!” Rose finished for her, jumping up from her seat on the floor. “Maybe it’s still in there somewhere – they store all the crap in case it becomes useful or needs analysing and I bet they’ve been too lazy to determine if it’s waste or not – c’mon!”

She practically sprinted through the corridors, Donna following at a more sedate pace, mainly to quickly sneak a peek into the Doctor’s bedroom.

“Having trouble?” She smirked at him, watching as he desperately tried to get the multi-coloured paper-chains down from his ceiling, the sonic screwdriver proving futile against her skills with the super-glue. He yelled something at her that the TARDIS refused to translate, flickering one of the ornate elves she’d placed on his nightstand after her. It hit the door as she quickly closed it, roaring with laughter as she ran down the hallways. Rose was waiting for her by the door, giving her a curious stare.

“What’s happening?”

“Oh, nothing. The Doctor’s just having a little trouble with my… well, Christmas-present for him. Shall we?” she pulled the younger woman along with her, into the Hub.

 

oOo

 

“And it took me an hour to get it down,” The Doctor whined, sprawling himself in the jump-seat. “I mean, how the hell did she do that?”

 Jack smirked. “Never underestimate a ginger.”

“Never underestimate Donna more likely,” the Doctor muttered, eyes settling on the mistletoe. “God, I don’t know why I let them talk me into this in the first place.”

“You mean, having Christmas with the people who actually care about you and possibly getting to snog Rose under a mistletoe?”

“Yeah, well I… how did you know about that?”

“Donna asked me to find the mistletoe,” Jack grinned. “Fair warning, there are a lot more strategically placed around the TARDIS and in the Hub as well. Hoping to get a snog myself on this merry little day.”

“If you are even thinking of kissing Rose...”

“I was actually gonna go for Donna.”

“That’s just as bad.”

“How about you then?”

“You still haven’t bought me a drink.”

Jack sighed. “Donna is right, why Rose puts up with it, I really don’t know.”

The Doctor nearly shot up from his seat. “What do you know? Has she said anything?”

“Only mentioned the fact that you still haven’t shown an inkling of interest after I asked if the sex had started yet. I must say, Doctor, I’m not angry, just very disappointed.”

“Haven’t shown an inkling of interest?” The Doctor muttered, completely ignoring Jack’s last comment. “Haven’t shown… I’ve shown lots of… of inklings. I’m bursting full of inklings, I’ve been nothing but inkling, I’ve…”

“… still not told her that you love her?”

The Doctor stopped mid-rant, puffing air out of his mouth. “That’s… it’s not… It doesn’t need saying!”

Jack’s glare was almost as threatening as Donna’s. “Yes, it does.”

“But…”

“Shut up.”

“No, but…”

“Look, I know you are a high and mighty Time Lord and apparently ‘in charge’ of me, and I know we’ve had some falling outs in the past, mainly courtesy of you abandoning me…”

“Now, I apologized for that, but Jack…”

“… no, you actually never really did, buuut nevermind that, my point is that even though all of that I am still going to sit here, goddamn immortal, and tell you that if you don’t get your act together soon, I am going to shag Rose, because by now the poor girl has enough pent up sexual tension to power up all of Cardiff!”

“Jack, that’s all very nice…”

“What? Are you even listening to me?”

“Jack…”

“I’m being serious! It’s not fair to leave Rose hanging…”

“JACK, would you bloody shut up a minute?” The Doctor roared, leaping up to walk over and clap his hand over the other man’s mouth. Jack sat completely still in shock for about all of thirty seconds, before indignantly licking the Doctor’s palm, getting only a withering glare in return.

Oh, well, worth a try.

“Don’t you hear that?” The Doctor muttered, eyes flickering over the TARDIS ceiling, clearly straining to hear in the now almost deafening silence. “It’s like…”

Jack moved his head away from the Doctor’s hand, listening intently now as well. “Like… rain against a roof.”

“But that can’t be,” the Doctor muttered. “We’re parked inside the Hub. You don’t think the Rift….”

The TARDIS lurched sharply to the side, causing both men to fall heavily to the floor, the TARDIS suddenly flying away, crashing around inside the Vortex and landing with a harsh bang.

 

oOo

 

“Uuumm… Bristol?”

Donna made an ‘hmm’ noise before shrugging. “Yeah, ‘kay, you can have Bristol. But then you have to take Cardiff as well!”

Rose sighed. “Alright, fine. I’m still not taking Leeds though.”

“But I don’t want Leeds either!” Donna protested. “I can’t stand the place!”

“Okay, how about we turn Leeds into a gigantic prison for all who oppose us? Like what was done with Australia back in the day, yeah?” The sound of the door being opened was ignored by both of them.

Donna pondered for a moment, eyes flickering over the Hub’s dirty ceiling. “Yeah, alright. Sounds like a plan!”

“What are you doing?” A familiar voice floated towards them. Rose quickly looked up from what she was doing, smiling brightly at Sarah-Jane.

“Hello! We’re dividing Britain between us,”

Sarah-Jane blinked, arching one eyebrow at them. “Oh?”

“Yeah, you know, for when we get world domination,” Donna explained. “Might as well have the plans ready now so we don’t start arguing when we have nuclear weapons at our disposal.”

The older woman laughed. “Yes, I see. You would be Donna, then?”

“Oh, yeah, right,” Donna muttered, walking over to the other woman and shaking her hand. “And, um, Sarah-Jane?”

“I suppose it was Rose who mentioned me?”

“Er, yeah, it was.” Donna muttered, grateful when the other woman maintained her warm smile. “I’m very pleased to meet you though. I’ve been looking for more sources of gossip about our very own Martian.”

Sarah-Jane couldn’t help but laugh. “You are just as described,” she said, looking at Rose who simply shrugged. Donna shot a look at the blonde.

“That a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I’ll let you decide that,” Rose declared. “But what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be back in London with the kids?”

“No, they really wanted to come here,” Sarah-Jane said. “They’re back at the hotel we’re staying in, gift-wrapping I believe. They can be so very tardy when it comes to things like that.”

Donna smiled. “You know what, I’m gonna let you two catch up and go check if there’s anything in Jack’s room – I might be mentally scarred for life if I come back, so feel free to start making the tea!”

“We will!” Rose said. “And be careful… things might bite in there.”

“Oh, I am prepared for that,” Donna muttered, marching into said room with the air of someone going to get their last rites.

Sarah-Jane turned to her again as soon as the door closed. “So, how’ve things been?”

“Good, yeah, good.” Rose muttered, fiddling with a piece of string in her hand. “I’ve only been back for about a month, so still a bit weird, but it’s been so great seeing Jack again. Thought he was dead, you know? And it’s really nice seeing you again, I’m so glad you’re staying here for Christmas!”

The reporter smiled. “Likewise. Have you been traveling in the TARDIS yet?”

“Yeah, we went to Jupiter a couple a’ weeks back. Nice place, crazy people though. Tried to eat Donna, but she yelled so much at their priest that they decided they didn’t want to ingest her anyway. Oh, and we were on this other planet Yamacontica, and they all had very dark hair, so when they saw mine they thought I was some form of god and put up altars and stuff. It was very cool, though the Doctor got a little mad when they wanted to keep me, and he ended up in prison. Donna saved the day back there as well; she really is great, Donna,” Rose frowned. “Even if she won’t let me have Scotland.”

Sarah-Jane tilted her head, duly noting the one person that hadn’t been mentioned a lot about. “And what about the Doctor? Is things alright with him?”

Rose suddenly became very interested in the context of the box she’d been rifling through. “Things are good, as I said. Really good. We travel around and he’s… he’s happy to have me back and I’m happy to have him back.”

“He told me, you know.”

“What?”

“After Canary Wharf, before he started traveling with Martha, he visited me and he told me what had happened. And he told me what you’d said.”

Rose didn’t have to ask what exactly the other woman meant.

“Yeah, well…”

“Look, I don’t mean to pry, it’s just…” Sarah-Jane stopped, clearly battling with herself, before apparently coming to a decision. “He can be such an idiotic arse, the absolute king of all prats and we all should really just whack him every time, but we don’t because we love him: but one day, I think someone really should anyway!”

Rose blinked in shock at the other woman’s outburst. “Have you…?”

“Been wanting to say that for long?”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yes.” Sarah-Jane muttered, taking a deep breath. Rose blinked, a small smile forming on her lips. The laughter hit them at the same time, both of them having to grab hold of the desk in front of them to keep standing.

“You have to say that to him, oh please do!”

“Oh, no, I couldn’t!” Sarah-Jane got out, shaking her head. “No-no, I don’t want to upset him. He’s such a good man, it’s just…”

“He’s such a prat.”

“Pure prat.”

“Really, really, well-bred prat right there.”

After five more minutes of uncontrolled laughter, they got themselves reasonably under control, Rose dabbing under her eyes with her sleeve, shoulders still shaking.

“God… thanks, I needed that.”

“No problem. Merry Christmas, Rose.”

It was clear to Donna that something had happened while she’d been away, because both of the other women had silly smiles on their faces, but she decided not to comment, too engrossed in her own thoughts.

“Yeah, so I found some pretty heinous things, but no star for the tree,” she said as she walked over to them, a bit miffed at her search being fruitless.

“So, back to the TARDIS to look?” Rose mumbled, turning around. “I suppose you want to talk to him as well?” she said to Sarah-Jane, her smile growing even wider. Before the other woman had a chance to answer though, the sound of the TARDIS flying filled the air around them, the ship disappearing before any of them could properly react.

All three women stared in shock at the empty space where the ship had formerly been.

Donna blinked. “Do you think it’s because I glued his duvet to his mattress as well?”