Fic: Superfluous (Sherlock BBC)

[keep_counting]

Title:  Superfluous (texts between a sociopath and the unfortunate doctor who lives with him)
Characters/Pairings: Sherlock/John, Sarah, Lestrade, an OC and a cat
Rating PG13
Warnings: Cursing, very small allusion to suicide, mentions of sexual intercourse and severed limbs. Spoilers for 'Great Game' 
Genre: Humour/Romance/small touch of Angst
Word-count:  1,991
Disclaimer: I own nothing in this. I don't even have a cat....
A/N: Have never tried writing a fic like this before, but I just had to do it. Not native speaker and not beta'ed, so sorry for any mistakes
Summary: A series of texts that, somehow, ends in a love confession

 

 

Superfluous
(texts between a sociopath and the unfortunate doctor who lives with him)

 

Bored

 SH

**

Did you get milk?

SH

**

We’re out of bread as well

SH

**

And sugar

**

Dammit Sherlock, stop texting me when I’m at work!

**

Mrs. Hudson took my skull and you took the gun. Bored

SH

**

Ask Lestrade for a case

**

Already solved

SH

**

What all of them? He must have something

**

Nothing of interest. At all.

SH

**

John?

**

I’m still working. Piss off.

**

Bored

SH

**

DAMMIT SHERLOCK!

**

If you’re so bored, you can go buy the milk and sugar. Working late, anyway. Everyone has a cold

**

It would be incomprehensible for me to step outside now. There’s nothing  interesting out there. And it is incorrect to state that everyone has a cold. I don’t have a cold. And you don’t either and if you had, you shouldn’t be working.

SH

**

You don’t have a cold, do you?

SH

**

As a doctor, I really would have thought you’d be able to take better care of yourself. If I had a cold, you wouldn’t let me work. If you have one, you shouldn’t be working. So you might as well come home, now

SH

**

Remember milk and sugar. And bread. We’re out of nicotine patches as well

SH

**

Am not shopping this time. And I don’t have a cold. Stop saying nonsense.

**

There’s plenty of sense in what I say. And even more in what I write

SH

**

Stop texting me. I’ll be here even longer if you keep interrupting me

**

If you where the wife of a wealthy business man, where would you hide the knife you used to kill his secret lover with?

SH

**

I think it’s pretty safe to say that I am no one’s wife. Lestrade found a case for you then?

**

Sherlock, answer your phone. Why aren’t you home yet? And why are there cough drops on my nightstand?

*************

We’re out of fresh vegetables

SH

**

If I play in C minor for Mrs. Hudson’s cat it will hiss, but in D minor it looks awfully satisfied

SH

**

Bored. Answer

SH

**

I am working, Sherlock. And trying to keep awake after I sat up all night, worrying about where the hell you were and running over half of town with Lestrade

**

Not my fault. Didn’t ask you to worry. Remember the vegetables

SH

**

You forgot the bread yesterday too

SH

**

Ill children cannot possibly take such a long time. It takes approximately no more than a few seconds to type and send a text, even with your fumbling fingers

SH

**

John?

**

Piss off

**

Not good? You’re upset obviously. Is it because I complain about your typing? It’s slow, yes, but I don’t really mind

SH

**

It is surprisingly hard to make deductions when you are on the other end of town and refusing to answer any texts. And calls, for that matter. I never call. You might consider the world in an uproar when I call. Pick up your phone, John

SH

**

Am working. Bugger off.

**

Why are we out of vegetables anyway? There were plenty yesterday

**

Had to throw them out to make room for the tongues

SH

**

Experiment working slowly. You take Friday off early. Why aren’t you home yet? Bored

SH

**

Going out with Sarah. Tongues??????

**

Yes, in the fridge. Also, thought you and Sarah had broken up. She seemed very displeased after the incident with the dead snake

SH

**

Lord, don’t remind me. Why was it under the couch anyway?

**

I must’ve dropped it. Old experiment. Useless really. But you didn’t answer my question

SH

**

Ha, genius, you didn’t ask one

**

Well, not exactly, but generally when I make a wrong assumption (which is of course, not often) you tend to correct me, especially when it is in accordance to your own behavior

SH

**

Just going out for a drink. Maybe sex later.

**

Yes, that would be nice, but development with the tongues is keeping me busy

SH

**

Oh, piss off. I wasn’t talking about you. And I am definitely not buying bread now

**

I fail to see what the bread has to do with you and Sarah. It’s not the breads fault your girlfriend is overly sensitive to dead animals

SH

**

Bastard

**

And she’s not my girlfriend

**

Well, clearly. Still, didn’t think you were the type to shag around with everyone

SH

**

Me shagging Sarah is not equivalent with me shagging everyone, as you so gracefully put it

**

Equivalent? That’s a big word. Sure you know what it means?

SH

**

Fuck off, Sherlock

**

Repeating yourself. With limited vocabulary no less.

SH

**

You’re just boring me. Turning off my phone now

**

What, boring you? I am brilliant, as you yourself have pointed out, so I fail to see how I could possibly bore you

SH

**

If anything you should be boring me

SH

**

Why aren’t you answering? Neither the pub nor Sarah can be this interesting. If you can answer when ill children’s lives are at stake, you surely can answer now

SH

**

Do I really bore you?

SH

**

Just turn your phone back on. Shooting the wall isn’t fun when I can’t write to you about it

SH

**

If you’re in a ditch somewhere, I am not coming to get you

SH

**

Mrs. Hudson’s cat just scratched me. Am slowly bleeding to death. Come home quickly.

SH

**

John?....

**

Have been re-reading earliest texts and can now see what might’ve upset you. Is this getting back at me? If it helps, I haven’t slept at all this entire night.

SH

**

Thank-you for worrying about me

SH

**

Haven’t seen you in nearly twenty-four hours. Eight is a horrible time to go to work. No one should get up that early

SH

**

Lestrade didn’t take me seriously when I declared you missing. He said it doesn’t count when it’s clearly either me having annoyed you or Mycroft having kidnapped you. Again.

It is truly annoying when he can come to conclusions I can’t.

SH

**

Do I annoy you as much as I bore you?

SH

**

Have bought milk and bread and sugar and thrown out (most) of the tongues.

SH

**

The cough-drops were for you. In case you’d caught a cold at work

SH

**

Argh, Sherlock, I am not missing. And Mycroft haven’t kidnapped me, though it would almost be appreciated this time. Stayed at Tom’s place. Have gigantic hangover. Didn’t shag Sarah. All in all a very bad night. And morning

**

Complaining over a hang-over is futile and it is your own fault anyway. Alcohol murders brain-cells. Who’s Tom?

SH

**

Co-worker. Very nice. Pretty smile. Can we arrest Jack Daniels? And I won’t be lectured on this by a junkie

**

Not a junkie

SH

**

Ex-junkie then

**

Was never a junkie. Not addicted. What’s Tom’s last name?

SH

**

Yeah right you weren’t. And don’t do back-up checks on everyone I know

**

Wasn’t going to

SH

**

Liar. Why do you do it anyway? You’re awfully paranoid, especially after…

**

Oh…

**

It would be nothing short of stupid not to be more cautious now. Chances of surviving another explosion are very slim

SH

**

Were you really worried about me last night?

**

I find it distasteful when I have to repeat myself. And yes, your little revenge-act worked. Haven’t slept and ended up breaking a string on my violin. Happy now?

SH

**

Wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty. Just needed a little space. But you get it now, right? Why I don’t like it when you storm out and can’t be reached or just suddenly jump into the Thames and all the other crazy stuff

Rather have limbs in the fridge than see you hurt again

**

Have jumped into the Thames only once. And hospitals are utterly boring. Like me, apparently. Though I fail to see why

SH

**

You are not boring. I was just angry. Why did your violin break?

**

It was either that or shoot myself in the leg, and since you have shown next to no enthusiasm for blood-stains on the carpet, I came to the conclusion that the violin was a better choice

SH

**

No shit, Sherlock. Don’t joke about it. You need to take better care of yourself

**

I fail to see why that is necessary. I have you to do that for me

SH

**

Was that almost a compliment?

**

I fail to see how it could be interpreted as one

SH

**

I thought you hated it when I scold you for not eating, not sleeping etc.

**

If I hated it, would I have kept up with it for so long?

SH

**

I guess not. Thank-you

**

For what?

SH

**

I actually don’t know

**

Not surprising

SH

**

Don’t ruin the moment

**

We were having a moment?

SH

**

You’re useless, Sherlock

**

Useless and boring?

**

You’re never boring. You’re infatuating and annoying and completely bonkers, but you are not boring

**

Ah. That’s good

SH

**

We’re out of milk again

SH

**

Stop giving it to Mrs. Hudson’s cat then!

**

The beast won’t leave me alone. Are you coming home soon or is Tom’s company so absolutely thrilling that you have to stay?

SH

**

You sound like a jealous husband. I’m trying to figure out if it’s cute or… boring

**

You’re being mean now. And I am not jealous

SH

**

Talked about you a lot last night, with Sarah. Came to a few conclusions

**

What kind of conclusions? Did you discuss this with Tom as well?

SH

**

Again with the jealous

**

You’re making assumptions

SH

**

Based on fact

**

Supercilious. You’re mocking me now

SH

**

I figured it out at the pool. You really should have just run. The next time, you’ll run right?

**

There won’t be a next time

**

You can’t guarantee that. You want to know a secret? I’ve never been so scared as when you wouldn’t run

**

It is superfluous to ask if I want to know a secret and then proceed to tell it to me, before I have the chance to answer

SH

**

You always want to hear secrets

**

Then why ask in the first place?

SH
**

You’re straying away from topic. Are you uncomfortable about this?

**

If it happened again, I wouldn’t run

**

Not even if I asked you nicely?

**

No, not even then

**

Yeah. That makes me a bit mad

**

I thought the idea that I would abandon you in the middle of a death or life situation would be more upsetting for you?

SH

**

What use is it if we’re both dead?

**

In this you are suggestion that it would be better if only you died, correct?

SH

**

Yes, detective

**

What would make you think that I would be better off?

SH

**

I don’t think that. I just don’t know what I would do if you died

**

Is that what you and Sarah talked about?

SH

**

Only a little. It was more the ‘what I would do’ part that was the focus

**

And what would you do?

SH

**

I suggested jumping off a bridge

**

Sherlock??

**

You were very drunk

**

Completely smashed, yes.

**

John?

**

Yes?

**

Will you come home now?

**

On my way

**

Don’t forget the milk

SH

**

Oh, piss off

**

I love you too

SH

**

You sod. I’ll be there in five

-FIN-