Fic: Trigger (Supernatural)

[keep_counting]

Title: Trigger
Characters/Pairings: Sam Winchester, Bobby Singer, Dean Winchester, Ruby.
Rating: R
Warnings: Slight violence in accordance with the nature of the show, spoilers up to the end of season 3 and containing strong plot-points for the ending of each of the three first seasons.
Genre: Character-study/Angst/Drama/Family
Word-count: 884
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in relation to this.
A/N: A character-study of Sam and of how dysfunctional the Winchester brothers become when its about each other. Also a result of too many viewings of the season one finale.
Summary: Sam pulls the trigger. Sam pulls the trigger. Sam pulls the trigger.

”You shoot me. You shoot me in the heart, son.”

Sam pulls the trigger.

oOo

”I need to go farther back,” he says and Bobby gives him a look like he’s insane.

Sam’s not insane. He’s not. He knows he’s not.

He just needs Dean back.

”I can’t fix mom’s death,” he continues. ”I know that, I know that’s… that’s too far back. But maybe... If I can just go back far enough, we can… I can fix this.”

Bobby sighs – Sam is here, with Bobby, because Dean is dead, dead, dead, buried in the ground, soul in hell, because he had to save little Sammy. And Sam has tried, but he can’t bring him back, can’t make a deal, can’t force Dean’s soul back in his mangled body. He has to go further back.

“I need to fix this,” Sam says and Bobby sighs again, angrily this time, his eyes so haunted, like he’s the one whose lost everything and not Sam.

“Dean’s dead, Sam,” Bobby says. “It’s done, Sam. It’s over. There is nothing to fix.”

Sam thinks of shitty motels and a father that was never there. He thinks of monsters under the bed and Jessica’s screams. He thinks of Hellhounds and Ruby – no, Lillith – eyes as white as snow and laughter crackling like flames.

He laughs and walks out. If Bobby won’t help him he is going to find someone who will.

He needs to fix this.

oOo

The demon is inside his father, festering his soul, trying to cheat them and make them hand over the Colt and the Colt is the only thing that can kill him, the only thing that can stop him.

“I can’t hold him for much longer!”

Sam thinks of Jessica and mom.

Sam pulls the trigger.

oOo

“You want to do what?”

“You’re not questioning me on this,” Sam says, temper short, because he’s tired and he’s messed up and he’s without a family, and Ruby, while an ally, is a sorry excuse for any kind of replacement for what he had. “Either you’re in or you’re out.”

She sighs, new chocolate locks moving in the wind. She looks small and dangerous and he thinks that he needs her, but if she says no he will leave, and if she tries to stop him…

He’ll finish what Lillith did to her.

“There has to be something,” he says. “I just have to go far enough back.”

“How far?” Ruby asks and he stills, because that’s not a question he was expecting.

Not that he had ever been expecting to be in this situation. Not after the Yellow Eyed demon and a claustrophobic hospital and his brother in a coma and a Ouija board. Because Dean had been so furious, after that, after what their father had done just to ensure their survival, and that’s why Sam had let his guard down: he hadn’t thought… hadn’t imagined.

So selfish, when you think about it. Sacrificing yourself for another person.

(It helps if he’s just angry at Dean. Anger drives him forward. If he’s not angry, he falls apart)

And that’s when he knows.

“I need to go back to when my dad was still alive,” Sam says. “I need to go back to when he was possessed by Azazel.”

Ruby looks scared and confused and angry, but when Sam turns to walk away, she places a soft hand on his arm.

“Okay,” she says. “Okay. We’ll get you back. We’ll fix all this.”

Sam smiles

oOo

Sam pulls the trigger. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s easier, because Dean is standing behind him and Dean will be angry and hurt, but that’s okay. Sam isn’t too happy about this either, but their dad is going to die either way and this way…

It made sense in his head. Go back to the very root of the problem. Dean might never even get the idea, now. Dean won’t end up in a coma and their dad won’t have to sacrifice his soul. Azazel won’t get the gun. He’ll be better prepared, when he’s thrown into that make-shift arena of haunted houses. He won’t die and Dean won’t sacrifice himself.

He just needs to fix this one little thing. Sam pulls the trigger.

They’re only half-way down the road when the truck hits them.

oOo

He’s seen it now. Dean sitting in the passenger-seat instead of dad, because dad’s dead. Dean not talking to him, because Dean is injured and dad’s dead. Dean in the hospital, because the truck hit him full-on, not talking to him because dad’s dead and Dean is in a coma.

Dean dies and Sam thinks he could make a deal, die himself, but there’s no-one to make a deal with because he’s killed the Yellow Eyed Demon and killed his dad in the process and the truck had still hit him and Dean is dead.

Sam goes back.

Sam doesn’t pull the trigger.

oOo

“End of the line,” Bobby tells him. “This has to stop sometime. You boys… you need to stop.”

“Sorry,” Sam says and means it. Bobby nods. He knows.

Sam means he’s sorry for failing. He’s not sorry for pulling the trigger. Curse of the Winchester’s

He’s never, really, been sorry for pulling the trigger.

Comments

[muses-wander.livejournal.com]

Ooooh boys. Oooooh angst. This hurt is all the Winchester ways. Well done!

[keep-counting.livejournal.com]

Thank-you! :)