Fic: Writing on the Wall (Merlin BBC)

[keep_counting]

Title:  Writing on the Wall
Characters/Pairings: onesided Morgana/Merlin, implied Arthur/Gwen, Morgause, Uther 
Rating PG - spoilers for S2
Genre: Angst/sort-of-Romance
Word-count:  1,097
Disclaimer: Don't own Merlin BBC. Nope. Not at all.
A/N: Because recently, I've been so upset with the huge change in Morgana's character. I personally believe there where many factors, but this is just an idea I thought to play a while with.
Summary: Morgana, before the magic and betrayal and darkness. One of many possible reasons for hate to flow so easily through a person

Writing on the Wall

 

She always thought there was something, maybe not special, but distinctly different, about Arthur’s servant. He had to be, to be able to save the prince’s life. To be able to keep up with Arthur for such a long while. Morgana had after all known Arthur since he was but a little brat of a prince and his normal quota for man-servants where usually the size of a pebble. The fact that this Merlin had lasted six months already spoke volumes of his character.

Add to the fact that Gwen seemed completely enamored of him, Morgana quickly took a liking to Merlin as well. How could you not? He was adorable the way he fumbled around, his silly grin and that ridiculous scarf around his neck. And he was loyal: indefinitely so and it was a trait she could not help but admire.

“You’re a good friend.”

It was a surprise though, when – in the midst of Gwen being accused of sorcery and Morgana feeling like her heart might drop out – there was a small clenching in her chest, at the realization of just how much Gwen and Merlin might admire each other.

It doesn’t matter, she tells herself, smiling at Merlin and convincing him that she’ll keep his secret, this little crush on Gwen. It hurts even more at the obvious relief in his eyes. Later, she will wonder, will marvel at her own feelings: why? Merlin is a good person, there is no doubt, a good friend, but he’s still a bumbling servant and not at all her type. So why, of all the knights and noblemen of Albion whose hand she might gain, why was it this unremarkable boy of low stature that should sneak his way in so swiftly, should gain entrance to a place she thought was under heavy lock and key, and then sit there and root, a constant ache that wouldn’t go away?

If one thing, Morgana has always been good at hiding her feelings. She puts them under tight lock, has always done so, only slightly letting Gwen in, because one cannot help but let Gwen in, just a little. But of this, she speaks to no one, and Morgana isn’t certain if it’s shame or embarrassment or confusion. Because she is embarrassed about her feelings, is embarrassed that she has let herself be charmed so easily and by someone who wasn’t even trying to charm her in the first place.

Maybe that’s it. Merlin, with his open nature, his honesty and pure goodness – in all the knights and princes, she has never met anyone quite so determined, not for glory but for doing what one might call ‘the right thing’. In all her years, especially after living with Uther, Morgana has never met someone as selfless as this clumsy servant.

Idiot, she whispers in the dead of night and allows a small resentment towards Gwen to form, Gwen who has so easily captured Merlin’s heart, Gwen who one cannot help but love because – like Merlin – she is without a doubt, good and sweet and honest. And it’s so easy to forget, when it’s just the two of them and Gwen is smiling and laughing with her, but there’s still the pang of uncertainty, the undeniable ache every time she sees them together.

Then there’s the horrible realization of magic, in her body, coursing through her veins and amidst it all, her confusion and pain, Arthur is looking at Gwen with longing over the dinner-table and it hits Morgana that Merlin has never made a move with Gwen and Gwen has never spoken of Merlin with anything but friendly terms and there is several months of pain being wasted.

Magic. Magic is wrong. It is evil. You are wrong. And evil.

The nightmares are almost a relief to the waking world now, a world where Merlin smiles are still as bright and beautiful as the sun and a new air has come over Gwen, and Arthur is, gods forbid it all, actually maturing. It’s fast-moving and wonderful and though Gwen still hugs her close and she is still able to best Arthur in a swordfight and Merlin still speaks to her as if she matters, Morgana cannot help the horrible feeling of watching everyone move by so fast: she is too slow to catch up with them.

She has magic, dreams and powers and she cannot control it and cannot protect herself. It might make her powerful, but right now she feels nothing but weak as she waits for the wrong person to discover and the blade to fall on her neck.

And then the right person discovers and Morgana is too happy that Merlin isn’t turning away in disgusts, that she hardly has time to wonder: what does it mean for us? And the fact that he does not seem surprised doesn’t seem to sit with her. Her looks at her and smiles and she thinks: if you kiss me now, I will kiss you back.

Then destiny comes, in a flurry of challenges and blonde hair and Morgause is standing before her, strong and radiant and on her side. It tips the scale, almost makes the long dinners with Uther bearable, this knowledge that she is not alone, that despite Mordred having abandoned her, despite the regret that she did not kill Uther, despite Arthur and Gwen and, gods, even Merlin being too caught up in their perfect, little worlds, she still has someone who wants to listen.

Yes. Yes I will help you kill Uther. Yes, I will help you bring Camelot to its knees. Yes, I will betray my friends for you.

It is not an act, when she is scared and nearly brought to tears, as everyone around her sleeps and Arthur is yelling, accusing her of something that she knows she’s guilty of. She wants to jump up and hug Merlin, whose hiding her secret so well, protecting her, because this, this is what she’s always wanted. Yes, she’s always wanted it, but it is also something that she gave up on, as soon as she accepted Morgause’s offer.

I’m sorry, Merlin, she thinks. For everything. And then he hands her water, his face so kind, and she wonder if he will kiss her, as she takes it slowly, letting their fingers brush. It’s cold and bitter against her throat and too late does she realize what is going on, as Merlin holds her close with tears in his eyes.

He doesn’t kiss her, of course, but a girl is allowed to dream.

 

 

Comments

[angelqueen04.livejournal.com]

Ooh, lovely! You did a great job of getting into Morgana's head and her motivations leading up to Fires of Idirsholas. I also love how you portray her feelings for Merlin. Personally, I think he reciprocated a lot more than she thinks he did.

Great job! :)

[keep-counting.livejournal.com]

Thank-you so much :) I'm glad it was believeable: I keep justifying everything she does in S3, because I was so frustrated with the sudden change. And Merlin/Morgana just needs to be canon. It makes everything so much more dramatic! I'm really glad that you liked it

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

Wonderful! I really do need to start watching this series. You make it look so good. :-)

[keep-counting.livejournal.com]

Thanks :D you definitely should: it has it's deadpan moments, but the characters are incredibly adorable :)

[secondafterpass.livejournal.com]

(I think you should know this is the first Merlin fiction I have ever read.) It's lovely! It makes Morgana much more likable and the ending is just...so sad.

[keep-counting.livejournal.com]

I spent so much time raving over her in the show, I thought she needed a reprive! And I have a soft spot for Merlin/Morgana (or, well, Merlin with anyone really...) I'm very glad that you liked it :D

[poupoufinou.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD!!! This was so amazing *____* & sad :'(
poor morgana& you wrote it so believeble you know I do think morgana had a crush on merlin & it was 1OO % clear that he felt the same , I mean come on " Why are you looking at me like that" ? BECAUSE HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU !LOOK AT HIM, DAMMIT!! He was undressing her with his eyes LOL
Anyways this was incredbliy amazing& I hope you write many more morgana&merlin fics,'cause there arent so many of them =.= :3

[keep-counting.livejournal.com]

Thank-you so much for that enthusiastic review! I'm very glad you liked it, and yes, Merlin and Morgana should have definitely hooked up ;)

[archaeologist-d.livejournal.com]

oh, loved the view of what was going on in Morgana's head. Loved that you ended the story just at that point! Well done.

[keep-counting.livejournal.com]

Thank-you :) I am very pleased that you liked it, especially my decision about the ending

[grapecase.livejournal.com]

This is gorgeous. Can I say that? Because it is repeating so much in my head, I think that I will. I enjoyed it. My favorite part was the transition. Just part by part, flawlessly into the next. As well with how clear everything was. The peak into Morgana's head, her selfishness, her loneliness, her fear, her motives, the desires that make her a "real girl". The love she had for these people - and I'm going to stop now, as I am likely rambling less than clearly.

I also especially liked the why Merlin, as I don't ship them consistently but

[grapecase.livejournal.com]

I do enjoy seeing why it might work written out in fic.

And yay for that being sent early!

[keep-counting.livejournal.com]

Thank-you so much :) I am more partial towards Merlin/Freya myself, especially after the direction the show has taken Morgana in, but they are fun to play around with in fanon. I am really pleased that you liked it and found my take on her believeable!

[honou-no-izumi.livejournal.com]

This was so sweet... and I liked how you've written Morgana as well as how everything's seemed to fit perfectly. And because this pairing was among my fav pairing aside from Merlin with Arthur or Freya

[keep-counting.livejournal.com]

Thank-you :) me too!