Fic: Here (Doctor Who)

[keep_counting]

Title:  Here
Characters/Pairings: Ten/Rose
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers up to the end of S2, not-so-happy ending, hurt all around
Genre: Angst/Romance/More Angst
Word-count: 1,072
A/N: This is me angsting, as I gather up the courage to watch 'End of Time' for the first time. It is dedicated to the_silverdoe who I vented out my angsty feelings to after 'Doomsday' and will probably turn to again after this. Thank-you for listening, darling :) This was also a project in trying to convey strong feelings, without actually having the characters saying them, especially the Doctor. Let me know what you think!
Disclaimer: I own nothing in relation to Doctor Who. Not even a poster :(
Summary:  He looked like he wasn't even thinking about letting go of her. Not even for a second.

Suddenly being pushed against a wall, cool lips on her own, was not something Rose had expected once she’d entered the TARDIS. It was nice though. He could keep doing that with his tongue if he wanted.

“Mmmmhm,” she hummed. “If this is how you’re going to react every time I visit mum, I will definitely have to do it more often.”
 The Doctor pulled away sharply, looking down at her.

“Rose?” his tone was filled with surprise, and no more than a little shock. She raised an eyebrow, trying to ignore the tingling in her lips.
“Who where you expecting then?” she ground out, more than a little disappointed and jealous. But then he stumbled back from her, raw pain and shock, and just a little bit anger shining in his eyes.

“This is impossible.”

“Oh-kay,” she mumbled, trying not to be put-off by the way his gaze roved over her, as if trying to convince himself that she was real. “Doctor, what’s wrong?” she was getting worried, especially when he quickly took a step backwards, trying to stay away from her. She wasn’t able to hide the hurt look on her face. “Look, it’s just me alright? It’s Rose. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m here,”

His face broke. She had no idea how to describe it, how to comprehend what was really happening, but her magnificent and fearless Doctor, he broke, and suddenly moved forward, arms winding so tight around her that she was surprised she could even breathe. His face was buried in her neck, inhaling softly and it sent a pleasant flutter through her stomach, warming her up inside.

She reached up, gently hugging him back, trying to ignore the slight pain in her ribs and back as he held on tighter. Rose had no idea what was wrong, but for the first time in what felt like years, she was really and truly scared.

“What is it?” she murmured, afraid to speak louder lest she frighten him. “Doctor, what’s wrong?”

“You shouldn’t be here,” was all he said, and that single sentence left her feeling cold. Her eyes wandered around the TARDIS, taking in the familiar hum of the ship, first now noticing that something – something besides the Doctor being so vulnerable – was very, very wrong.
“Why did you kiss me?” she instead opted for, trying to keep her tone light and teasing. The best way to get anything out of him when he was giving non-answers, was to ask him something completely different.

He gently snorted, face still hidden from her sight. “That’s how it usually goes,”

Rose frowned. Yeah, I wish. “What do you mean?”

He was silent for a little while. “I figured I was sleeping,” he mumbled then, barely loud enough for her to hear. Before she could properly process his words, he started pulling away and that’s when it hit her.

“Did you get a new suit?” she asked, just as crushing realization settled in her chest. “Oh…”

He looked older. There were lines on his face that hadn’t been there before and his eyes looked haunted. The blue suit made him seem darker somehow, as if some sort of force was hidden behind the folds of his jacket. He’d never looked more like his old self to her, than right now.

“I really shouldn’t be here,” she echoed his earlier words, trying to take a step away from him, but was hindered by the fact that his arms were still locked around her in a death-grip. He looked like he wasn’t even thinking about letting go of her. Not for a second.  
“I should just go,” she mumbled, not willing to look at him, to face those eyes that looked so sad. “Timey-wimey stuff and all that. Don’t want more Reapers coming, me messing up or something,”

The Doctor still didn’t move, just kept staring at her, kept holding her and the largest part of her, the part that was still a young girl in love with a man she couldn’t understand, wanted to stay, wanted to ask what had happened, why he was clinging to her like that, why he was dreaming about her at night instead of being with her.

But the woman who’d faced down Daleks and Cybermen, who’d lost her friends and learned her lesson, she knew she had to leave. And she had to leave now.

“Doctor…” she gently whispered as he still didn’t let go, her hands drifting to his arms and gently pulling without much of a result. His jaw was clenched, his eyes hard. “You need to let go of me. I need to get back to the other you, and we need to not mess up timelines.”

“Where am I, right now?” the Doctor finally said, his voice hoarse as if he hadn’t used it for long. “Dropped you off at Jackie’s and you’ve been there long enough to have a few cups of tea and you’re… you’re wearing your white coat and a blue top and jeans and I’ve gone to Clom without you knowing, trying to track whoever let the Abzorbaloff come to Earth and when I get back you will be so sad, but I won’t ask because you’ll tell me it’s my fault and I’ll think it means that you know I went there without you. I won’t ask.”

Rose desperately wanted to demand that he stop as he answered his own question, but he looked so desperate and angry, and the words got stuck in her throat.

“How long has it been, since you last saw me?” she got out instead, wanting to ask how long it had been since she died, but really, that was not something she could get herself to ask.

He didn’t answer, but one of his hands drifted from her waist up to lightly stroke her cheek. She guessed that it was too long.
“I’m sorry that…” she started, stopping as he flinched. “Look… I’m…”

“You were right. You should go,” he says, sounding like he is forcing the words out. “You should go. Now.”

“I’m gonna make it right though,” Rose said, a sudden conviction coming over her. “I’m not gonna let this happen. You’ll see. I’ll stay with you forever.”

She’d kissed his cheek and quickly left the TARDIS before he could respond. Just as well. She didn’t have to see that final look in his eyes.