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keep_countingTitle: The Other Side of Things
Characters/Pairings: Ten/Rose, Jackie Tyler
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Angst, questionable humor, possible typos
Genre: Angst/Humor/Fluff/Romance
Word-count: 3,619
A/N: So, um, this is sort of angsty and silly at the same time. And the Doctor's a git. But it ends in fluff. Overload of fluff.
Disclaimer: I own nothing in relation to this
Summary: 'Doctor, I’m leaving. Doctor, I’m sorry, but I need to go. It’s been wonderful. Fantastic. Doctor, I need to stay at home with my mother, you understand that right? Doctor you are a total, idiotic bastard and it is either me leaving or me getting you to regenerate again… '
There was a multitude of things that could have started the argument.
It could have ranged as far back as the very start, when a leather-clad man had told Rose Tyler to run for her life in a basement and then proceeded to confuse her completely and take her to see her own planet burn. It could have started when he went and died and came back as a very new-new man (with a new-new hand to add to the mix). It could have started when he left her in a dungeon with a werewolf or on a spaceship with killer-robots, or when her ex-boyfriend had decided to stay in a parallel universe, as far away from her as he could possibly be, no matter that that wasn’t his reason for doing so.
It could have been all these things, all of these little twists and turns, or it could be the fact that Rose had woken this morning with a severe headache after another round of nightmares, and the Doctor had been his usual all too-cheery self and that had been plain down annoying.
Not that the argument in itself was actually about any of the above-mentioned things. Not at all: merely, the argument was a result of almost two years of build-up and emotional exhaustion and the fact that Rose bloody Tyler was the most troublesome, belittling, trouble-friendly woman to ever grace the universe with her presence (or so the Doctor thought).
“I was trying to help.”
“And look where that went!” the Doctor snapped, hands clenched tightly in his pocket. “You nearly got all those people killed! You nearly got yourself killed!”
Rose clenched her jaw, sparing herself a few seconds to fight back the tears (no way in hell was she going to cry in front of him right now). “Look, I’m sorry okay, we can’t all be all-mighty Time Lords saving the day…”
“Then stop trying!”
She flinched as he shouted. “Oh, and do what, just hang around? Is that why you brought me, just so you’d have someone to impress? That’ a companions only job then?”
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” he said, voice low and dangerous now. “Don’t pretend like you didn’t know better – how long exactly have you been with me? You know not to meddle in situations that you couldn’t possibly comprehend!”
“Are you kidding? That’s all I ever do!”
“Yes,” he said, and suddenly there was disgust in his voice and Rose felt like someone had cut off her air-supply. “I know it is. I should have realized that sooner.”
Her heart started beating like it did when she’d been trapped with that Dalek, when they’d been chased by the Cybermen. Thudding away in fear.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean,” he said, forcing the words out through clenched teeth, his eyes dark. “That apparently it was a mistake to take you on board in the first place.”
She felt her stomach drop. “You… you don’t mean that.”
“Oh, really?” he snarled. She was sure he hadn’t ever seen him this angry before, not since Satellite Five, not since he’d worn leather and had been trying to save her life, not slowly suck it out of her like he was now.
“You can’t,” she hated the way her voice broke a bit.
“But I can.”
The wind ripped through the tears around them, the moon casting shadows. It was dark, but not dark enough for her to not see, see him clearly enough to know that he was angry enough to say these words, and possibly angry enough to mean them. She briefly wondered if the sound of leaves rustling against each other was actually the sound of her heart breaking.
“You know…” she muttered. “I’m not… I’m not even surprised.”
She didn’t get a chance to hear his reply, because a second later, the world went black.
It was the beeping that woke her. A shrill sound, annoyingly interrupting the soothing hum of the TARDIS, breaking through the quiet. She sucked in air, heard the faint sound of footsteps and then the beeping stopped.
“Rose?” An all-too familiar voice tentatively asked, and she felt everything rushing back.
The planet. The people. The argument. The blackness.
The argument.
She felt her chest constrict in pain, and she opened her eyes, tears already welling in them.
“Mum,” she said, a quiet plea and Jackie threw her arms around her daughter, Rose doing her best to still hold in the tears. She was stubbornly ignoring the other presence in the room, clinging to her mother’s form until she heard him shift uncomfortably and mumble something about tea before slipping out of the med-bay.
“What happened?” she mumbled, pulling away from her mother. “Why are you here?”
“I was so scared,” Jackie said, taking her daughters hand and holding it tightly. “Never been more afraid in my life. The TARDIS just appeared in the living-room and I thought: ‘great, another visit’, but then only the Doctor came out and… oh sweetheart, there was blood on his coat and he looked so shaken, and I panicked when you weren’t there, and he just said that he’d stabilized you, but he’d taken you home because he wasn’t sure… and then, well, I was in shock, complete and utter shock, sweetheart, so I asked him whose blood it was and he just looked down on himself and… I’ve never seen anyone turn so pale, it was like he hadn’t even realized properly what had happened yet. And you’ve been unconscious for three days, way to give us all a scare!”
Rose’s brain was whirring, desperately trying to piece together all of the information given.
“I was injured?” She mumbled, snatching on to that one piece and holding it tight.
“Yes,” Jackie nodded. “The Doctor said you were on this planet helping with this revolution or other, and when you were going home you were ambushed. You nearly died sweetheart,” Jackie added, her voice soothing as she reached out her other hand to stroke Rose’s cheek. “I’ve never been so scared, and the Doctor was so angry with himself, said he should have heard them coming. Had to slap him again I did, to snap him out of it – I mean, what use is he, a bloody doctor, if he’s too busy moaning and not patching you back up, eh?”
Rose couldn’t help but snort a little, her laughter quickly turning to pain as a sharp ache hit her side. Before she could hardly blink, cool hands where pressing her gently back down on the bed, lifting up her blouse and revealing the edge of a bandage she hadn’t felt before, wrapped around the area.
“The wound was deep, but it didn’t hit any vital organs,” the Doctor said, having appeared from nowhere as soon as she was in pain, sonic screwdriver buzzing away as he checked it over again. Rose couldn’t decide if the feel of his cool hands on her stomach made her blood boil in attraction or anger. “You shouldn’t scar either, I made sure of that.”
She wondered if she should thank him for that, but the ache in her chest made her decided not to. “What happened?”
“Our attackers had weapons, Rose,” he said, his tone rough and condescending. If it had been any other day, she’d have ignored it, taken it as a sign of his worry, but today…
Today a lot of things where still fresh in her mind and the wound were the least of them.
“Weapons, really? Thought it was supposed to be banjos; I’ve been doing it wrong all my life, it seems,” there was humor in her voice, but she was hoping he caught the possible double meaning in her words. He stiffened slightly, but she wasn’t sure what it meant, and yet again resigned herself to the fact that she was unable to read this new-new Doctor.
“Hungry?” Jackie asked, thank-fully breaking the silence before it could stretch out and become awkward. She made a move to stand, but Rose tightened the hold on her hand, not wanting to be left alone with the Doctor right now.
“Can’t you stay?” She asked, forcing herself not to look at the Doctor and plead for him to go instead. Please, just leave, get out of this room, get away from me.
“I’ll get something,” he said, for once picking up on things. “Still need to bring you that tea as well,” he grinned winningly at her, but it soon faded as she didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. As he slipped out of the room, Rose instantly felt relieved. And scolding herself just a little for this feeling.
It was both the hardest and the easiest decision, when she went into her room on the TARDIS and started to pack. It was the hardest because it put a lump in her throat like no other, because it twisted a knife in her heart – or in her belly perhaps, as the Doctor had told her that that was what she’d been stabbed with – and the easiest, because she figured it was what she needed to do.
After Jack dying and werewolves and French ladies and always second-guessing herself, it was definitely for the best.
Of course, she hadn’t counted on the Doctor choosing this precise moment to start ignoring her obvious attempts of avoiding him, and man himself up to actually talk to her. The git.
“Rose?” his voice startled her just a bit, and she hurried around from where she was standing, casually trying to block her bag from view all the while wondering why she was acting like a criminal doing something wrong. She looked into his eyes for the first time in what felt like weeks, and had to swallow a lump at the sorrow she saw in there.
“Yeah?”
“I just…” he stopped himself, looking away, hand scratching at the back of his neck. Unsure. He hadn’t noticed that she was packing yet. “I just wanted to… apologize.”
She pushed down the surge of hope.
“That’s alright,” she mumbled, watching as he smiled a little, that small, boyish one that reminded her of a cute puppy. Damn, damn damn him!”
“Really?”
“Yeah, sure,” she mumbled, taking a deep breath, preparing herself to tell him. Doctor, I’m leaving. Doctor, I’m sorry, but I need to go. It’s been wonderful. Fantastic. Doctor, I need to stay at home with my mother, you understand that right? Doctor you are a total, idiotic bastard and it is either me leaving or me getting you to regenerate again…
“Rose…” he started again, just as she was about to speak (damn, damn, damn, damn him!) “There was something else… that thing you said…”
“I say lots of things,” she countered, fighting to keep the impatience out of her voice. The Doctor gave her an odd look, but kept talking.
“You said… I mean, after I said… I said that it was a mistake to… well, you… You said that you weren’t surprised.”
Oh. That.
“Yes,” she mumbled, shifting a little. Despite her thoughts, she hadn’t actually meant for him to hear the truth. That she was leaving because she couldn’t stand hanging around and having her heart broken by a person she loved so much anymore. She was going to be a coward and tell him it was for other reasons, less selfish reasons, reasons that would probably hurt him less. Probably.
“You shouldn’t…” he stopped himself, clearly searching for words. “You shouldn’t feel inferior, Rose. I said it before, didn’t I? I only take the best. You are the best, Rose, truly, and you shouldn’t go around thinking that you aren’t, because human or not, you are absolutely amazing and… and why are you looking at me like that?”
Rose didn’t have a mirror, so she couldn’t be sure, but she had a pretty good idea of her face looking like a mix of completely gobsmacked and the deadliest glare the world had ever seen.
“You… you…” she sputtered, feeling anger rise inside her. She stepped one step towards him and noted with satisfaction that he took one back. “You just assumed that I… that I was going around with some kicked… inferior-species… hurt ego? Oh-I-could-never-live-up-to-the-all-mighty-Doctor complex?”
“No… Rose…”
“Because that is not what it is! I am not the problem here, you are the problem! The problem is not me feeling like I am inferior, it is you making me feel like that, and me knowing full well that I don’t deserve to be treated like a trained monkey! So you know what you can do, you can take your little assurance that I am good enough and stick it up your…”
“Right!” he shouted, hands raised in a gesture of surrender. “Right, sorry, you’re absolutely right!”
“You bloody bet I am, you stupid, insolent, alien git! And if you ever think to speak to me like that again…”
“Are you packing?”
His tone made her stop. Mainly because she’d never heard the Doctor speak like that. It was akin to someone gasping for air after minutes under water or maybe someone who had just been told that they were going blind and there was nothing to do about it.
It made her anger falter a little, but it didn’t make it go away.
“Yes,” she said. “I’m not coming with you. I’m going to stay with my mum.” Not wanting to see his expression, she turned around and hoisted her back up over her shoulder, not minding that she still needed to get some things. She needed to get out, and it had to be now. “I’m sorry Doctor, I just can’t,”
“You’re leaving?” he got out. He was standing completely still, staring at her as if she was a ghost, not really there at all.
Transparent. Not important.
Rose took the easy way, the cowards way, and muttered a quick and quiet ‘yes’, before exiting the room, not looking back.
Of course, she didn’t get very far. To the console room only, before hurried steps sounded behind her and a hand gripped the lapel of her bag to stop her.
“Why?” The Doctor exclaimed as he slipped around to face her, eyes huge and filled with hurt. He looked like a little school-boy, and it would be so easy to fall into that trap, to forget that he was actually over nine-hundred and able to manipulate people around him like pieces on a chess-boards.
Able to say just the right word that would drive his loved ones far away.
“I just can’t do this anymore,” she admitted, all thoughts of not telling the truth flying out of her head.
“What? Why not?” he sounded angry now. Again.
“Have you not been listening to a word I’ve said?” she snapped, wrenching herself out of his hold. “I am tired of you making me feel like I’m two feet tall, of always guessing what you’re really thinking, of having something… regeneration, former companions, bloody children, just dumped on me without a seconds warning and then left to dangle there, because you never explain, never let anyone in. And that’s okay, it’s your life and your decision, but you cannot expect everyone to always follow you act. It’s a losing game with you, always has been, and I nearly died and if I had, my last memory would have been of you degrading me and that’s not how I want to live my life – and it doesn’t matter how much I want to stay, how much this actually hurts, because I’ve realized that no matter how much you love a person, it is never a good enough reason to stay with them if they keep hurting you like this.”
Rose sucked in a large breath as she finished her speech, feeling lighter than she had for many months, but also cringing a bit as she was pretty sure there had been a confession of love in there, amidst all the accusations and hurt. Great. Another reason she should leave right now.
Silence stretched out as they stared at each other.
“You’re right,” he finally said, looking down at her with his adorable ruffled hair and impossibly large eyes.
“What?”
“You shouldn’t stay with someone who hurts you.”
She felt her heart drop, but she bravely stood her ground and nodded sharply. “Exactly.” Her voice was not shaking. Oh no. Not at all.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he then mumbled, and she realized with a pang that this was probably the last time she was going to hear that oh-so familiar phrase.
“It’s alright,” she said, smiling, mostly to just reassure him. “I wouldn’t have missed this, you know, I wouldn’t… I don’t regret coming with you. I don’t, I just…”
“Rose…” he interrupted.
“Yes?”
“Please stay,”
She’d thought she hadn’t been able to breathe before. She definitely wasn’t able to now.
“Wh… what?”
“I said, please stay. I won’t repeat it again,” he looked hurt and proud, a lost teenager and a powerful man who never gave second chances.
She realized with something akin to awe, that this was the fourth time he’d asked her to come with him.
But could she really stay – see him regret it, truly regret it, get back to going on wonderful, mad adventures and then simply fall back into the same pattern?
She’d made her decision. She wasn’t a child any longer, and she had to tell him that. She had to get out.
She’d wonder, later, if he could read her like an open book or if he was just that desperate to start with. Whatever it was, it was not what she’d been expecting and it was, to be honest, playing it a bit dirty.
He kissed her.
Hands cupping each side of her head, lips brushing hers gently before pressing a bit harder, teeth biting down her bottom-lip and tongue coming out to soothe the hurt, and yes, that was most decidedly her knees going a bit weak, and his tongue taking advantage of her open mouth as she moaned.
She managed to wrench herself away from him when she needed to breathe, and she had to ignore his pout at her lack of attention to him, as she tried to gather her thoughts again.
“That… that wasn’t fair,” she got out.
“Sorry,” the Doctor said. He really didn’t sound like he meant it.
“I… I hate you.”
“Really? Are you sure?” he asked in wide-eyed wonder, before dipping his head and kissing her again. She was going to push him away, she really was, but then her hands slipped into his hair instead, pressing him closer, and then it was his turn to pull away, grinning down at her like he’d just won the lottery.
“Doesn’t feel like hate to me!”
“You’re a bastard,” she hissed, not loosening her hold on him. His eyes softened a bit.
“It’s not easy for me,” he said. “Hundreds of years traveling with humans, and you’d think I’d get it, but I don’t. You never get over your, well, your main programming they say, and I grew up in a culture that was so different, and even if I rebelled against that, it’s still part of who I am. And it’s what I do, running away, what I’ve always done. It’s easier if you don’t look back, but it also makes it hard to learn from past mistakes. And I’m trying, really, I’m actually… I’m trying harder than I ever have before, ever since… ever since you came on board, because I want to… I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I never meant to hurt you, in fact, hurting Rose Tyler should be a capital offense all across the galaxy. Making her cry should give you at least five years in prison, in my not so humble opinion.”
He was trying to make her smile now, shifting focus away from his confession like he always did.
“You’d be in prison a long time then,” she let slip, and regretted it as she watched him cringe. “Sorry. I don’t mean to be… well, a complete cow, I just…”
“You shouldn’t put up with it,” he said. “You’re right, when someone you… I mean, just because you care for me, it doesn’t mean you should put up with me if I make you feel like that. I’m just… I’m bad at seeing it myself. It’s always so loud in my head, timelines and possibilities and they’re twisting and turning, and it’s so hard to focus sometimes. It’s easier to…”
“To just not look,” Rose finished for him. “Much easier to just run away from it all,”
“Yes,” he mumbled, one hand slipping away from around her waist to pull at his ear. “Guess that makes me a coward.”
“I was gonna run away from you too,” she said, eyeing her bag that she had dropped on the floor. “So I’m as much of a coward as you.”
She didn’t miss the light in his eyes, the tell-tale sign that – despite being an oblivious sod – he hadn’t missed the implications of those words.
“So… you want to be cowards together?”
“If I’m still allowed to snog you,” she said, feeling daring and bold and clearly taking him by surprise. Then he grinned again.
“I’d honestly be disappointed if you didn’t,” he admitted and she was pretty sure that they were both grinning like complete idiots now, and then they were snogging again, her pressed tightly against him and it was just getting really good…
“Oi! Alien-sod, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Um, Jackie… I can explain…”
Characters/Pairings: Ten/Rose, Jackie Tyler
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Angst, questionable humor, possible typos
Genre: Angst/Humor/Fluff/Romance
Word-count: 3,619
A/N: So, um, this is sort of angsty and silly at the same time. And the Doctor's a git. But it ends in fluff. Overload of fluff.
Disclaimer: I own nothing in relation to this
Summary: 'Doctor, I’m leaving. Doctor, I’m sorry, but I need to go. It’s been wonderful. Fantastic. Doctor, I need to stay at home with my mother, you understand that right? Doctor you are a total, idiotic bastard and it is either me leaving or me getting you to regenerate again… '
There was a multitude of things that could have started the argument.
It could have ranged as far back as the very start, when a leather-clad man had told Rose Tyler to run for her life in a basement and then proceeded to confuse her completely and take her to see her own planet burn. It could have started when he went and died and came back as a very new-new man (with a new-new hand to add to the mix). It could have started when he left her in a dungeon with a werewolf or on a spaceship with killer-robots, or when her ex-boyfriend had decided to stay in a parallel universe, as far away from her as he could possibly be, no matter that that wasn’t his reason for doing so.
It could have been all these things, all of these little twists and turns, or it could be the fact that Rose had woken this morning with a severe headache after another round of nightmares, and the Doctor had been his usual all too-cheery self and that had been plain down annoying.
Not that the argument in itself was actually about any of the above-mentioned things. Not at all: merely, the argument was a result of almost two years of build-up and emotional exhaustion and the fact that Rose bloody Tyler was the most troublesome, belittling, trouble-friendly woman to ever grace the universe with her presence (or so the Doctor thought).
“I was trying to help.”
“And look where that went!” the Doctor snapped, hands clenched tightly in his pocket. “You nearly got all those people killed! You nearly got yourself killed!”
Rose clenched her jaw, sparing herself a few seconds to fight back the tears (no way in hell was she going to cry in front of him right now). “Look, I’m sorry okay, we can’t all be all-mighty Time Lords saving the day…”
“Then stop trying!”
She flinched as he shouted. “Oh, and do what, just hang around? Is that why you brought me, just so you’d have someone to impress? That’ a companions only job then?”
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” he said, voice low and dangerous now. “Don’t pretend like you didn’t know better – how long exactly have you been with me? You know not to meddle in situations that you couldn’t possibly comprehend!”
“Are you kidding? That’s all I ever do!”
“Yes,” he said, and suddenly there was disgust in his voice and Rose felt like someone had cut off her air-supply. “I know it is. I should have realized that sooner.”
Her heart started beating like it did when she’d been trapped with that Dalek, when they’d been chased by the Cybermen. Thudding away in fear.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean,” he said, forcing the words out through clenched teeth, his eyes dark. “That apparently it was a mistake to take you on board in the first place.”
She felt her stomach drop. “You… you don’t mean that.”
“Oh, really?” he snarled. She was sure he hadn’t ever seen him this angry before, not since Satellite Five, not since he’d worn leather and had been trying to save her life, not slowly suck it out of her like he was now.
“You can’t,” she hated the way her voice broke a bit.
“But I can.”
The wind ripped through the tears around them, the moon casting shadows. It was dark, but not dark enough for her to not see, see him clearly enough to know that he was angry enough to say these words, and possibly angry enough to mean them. She briefly wondered if the sound of leaves rustling against each other was actually the sound of her heart breaking.
“You know…” she muttered. “I’m not… I’m not even surprised.”
She didn’t get a chance to hear his reply, because a second later, the world went black.
oOo
It was the beeping that woke her. A shrill sound, annoyingly interrupting the soothing hum of the TARDIS, breaking through the quiet. She sucked in air, heard the faint sound of footsteps and then the beeping stopped.
“Rose?” An all-too familiar voice tentatively asked, and she felt everything rushing back.
The planet. The people. The argument. The blackness.
The argument.
She felt her chest constrict in pain, and she opened her eyes, tears already welling in them.
“Mum,” she said, a quiet plea and Jackie threw her arms around her daughter, Rose doing her best to still hold in the tears. She was stubbornly ignoring the other presence in the room, clinging to her mother’s form until she heard him shift uncomfortably and mumble something about tea before slipping out of the med-bay.
“What happened?” she mumbled, pulling away from her mother. “Why are you here?”
“I was so scared,” Jackie said, taking her daughters hand and holding it tightly. “Never been more afraid in my life. The TARDIS just appeared in the living-room and I thought: ‘great, another visit’, but then only the Doctor came out and… oh sweetheart, there was blood on his coat and he looked so shaken, and I panicked when you weren’t there, and he just said that he’d stabilized you, but he’d taken you home because he wasn’t sure… and then, well, I was in shock, complete and utter shock, sweetheart, so I asked him whose blood it was and he just looked down on himself and… I’ve never seen anyone turn so pale, it was like he hadn’t even realized properly what had happened yet. And you’ve been unconscious for three days, way to give us all a scare!”
Rose’s brain was whirring, desperately trying to piece together all of the information given.
“I was injured?” She mumbled, snatching on to that one piece and holding it tight.
“Yes,” Jackie nodded. “The Doctor said you were on this planet helping with this revolution or other, and when you were going home you were ambushed. You nearly died sweetheart,” Jackie added, her voice soothing as she reached out her other hand to stroke Rose’s cheek. “I’ve never been so scared, and the Doctor was so angry with himself, said he should have heard them coming. Had to slap him again I did, to snap him out of it – I mean, what use is he, a bloody doctor, if he’s too busy moaning and not patching you back up, eh?”
Rose couldn’t help but snort a little, her laughter quickly turning to pain as a sharp ache hit her side. Before she could hardly blink, cool hands where pressing her gently back down on the bed, lifting up her blouse and revealing the edge of a bandage she hadn’t felt before, wrapped around the area.
“The wound was deep, but it didn’t hit any vital organs,” the Doctor said, having appeared from nowhere as soon as she was in pain, sonic screwdriver buzzing away as he checked it over again. Rose couldn’t decide if the feel of his cool hands on her stomach made her blood boil in attraction or anger. “You shouldn’t scar either, I made sure of that.”
She wondered if she should thank him for that, but the ache in her chest made her decided not to. “What happened?”
“Our attackers had weapons, Rose,” he said, his tone rough and condescending. If it had been any other day, she’d have ignored it, taken it as a sign of his worry, but today…
Today a lot of things where still fresh in her mind and the wound were the least of them.
“Weapons, really? Thought it was supposed to be banjos; I’ve been doing it wrong all my life, it seems,” there was humor in her voice, but she was hoping he caught the possible double meaning in her words. He stiffened slightly, but she wasn’t sure what it meant, and yet again resigned herself to the fact that she was unable to read this new-new Doctor.
“Hungry?” Jackie asked, thank-fully breaking the silence before it could stretch out and become awkward. She made a move to stand, but Rose tightened the hold on her hand, not wanting to be left alone with the Doctor right now.
“Can’t you stay?” She asked, forcing herself not to look at the Doctor and plead for him to go instead. Please, just leave, get out of this room, get away from me.
“I’ll get something,” he said, for once picking up on things. “Still need to bring you that tea as well,” he grinned winningly at her, but it soon faded as she didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. As he slipped out of the room, Rose instantly felt relieved. And scolding herself just a little for this feeling.
oOo
It was both the hardest and the easiest decision, when she went into her room on the TARDIS and started to pack. It was the hardest because it put a lump in her throat like no other, because it twisted a knife in her heart – or in her belly perhaps, as the Doctor had told her that that was what she’d been stabbed with – and the easiest, because she figured it was what she needed to do.
After Jack dying and werewolves and French ladies and always second-guessing herself, it was definitely for the best.
Of course, she hadn’t counted on the Doctor choosing this precise moment to start ignoring her obvious attempts of avoiding him, and man himself up to actually talk to her. The git.
“Rose?” his voice startled her just a bit, and she hurried around from where she was standing, casually trying to block her bag from view all the while wondering why she was acting like a criminal doing something wrong. She looked into his eyes for the first time in what felt like weeks, and had to swallow a lump at the sorrow she saw in there.
“Yeah?”
“I just…” he stopped himself, looking away, hand scratching at the back of his neck. Unsure. He hadn’t noticed that she was packing yet. “I just wanted to… apologize.”
She pushed down the surge of hope.
“That’s alright,” she mumbled, watching as he smiled a little, that small, boyish one that reminded her of a cute puppy. Damn, damn damn him!”
“Really?”
“Yeah, sure,” she mumbled, taking a deep breath, preparing herself to tell him. Doctor, I’m leaving. Doctor, I’m sorry, but I need to go. It’s been wonderful. Fantastic. Doctor, I need to stay at home with my mother, you understand that right? Doctor you are a total, idiotic bastard and it is either me leaving or me getting you to regenerate again…
“Rose…” he started again, just as she was about to speak (damn, damn, damn, damn him!) “There was something else… that thing you said…”
“I say lots of things,” she countered, fighting to keep the impatience out of her voice. The Doctor gave her an odd look, but kept talking.
“You said… I mean, after I said… I said that it was a mistake to… well, you… You said that you weren’t surprised.”
Oh. That.
“Yes,” she mumbled, shifting a little. Despite her thoughts, she hadn’t actually meant for him to hear the truth. That she was leaving because she couldn’t stand hanging around and having her heart broken by a person she loved so much anymore. She was going to be a coward and tell him it was for other reasons, less selfish reasons, reasons that would probably hurt him less. Probably.
“You shouldn’t…” he stopped himself, clearly searching for words. “You shouldn’t feel inferior, Rose. I said it before, didn’t I? I only take the best. You are the best, Rose, truly, and you shouldn’t go around thinking that you aren’t, because human or not, you are absolutely amazing and… and why are you looking at me like that?”
Rose didn’t have a mirror, so she couldn’t be sure, but she had a pretty good idea of her face looking like a mix of completely gobsmacked and the deadliest glare the world had ever seen.
“You… you…” she sputtered, feeling anger rise inside her. She stepped one step towards him and noted with satisfaction that he took one back. “You just assumed that I… that I was going around with some kicked… inferior-species… hurt ego? Oh-I-could-never-live-up-to-the-all-mighty-Doctor complex?”
“No… Rose…”
“Because that is not what it is! I am not the problem here, you are the problem! The problem is not me feeling like I am inferior, it is you making me feel like that, and me knowing full well that I don’t deserve to be treated like a trained monkey! So you know what you can do, you can take your little assurance that I am good enough and stick it up your…”
“Right!” he shouted, hands raised in a gesture of surrender. “Right, sorry, you’re absolutely right!”
“You bloody bet I am, you stupid, insolent, alien git! And if you ever think to speak to me like that again…”
“Are you packing?”
His tone made her stop. Mainly because she’d never heard the Doctor speak like that. It was akin to someone gasping for air after minutes under water or maybe someone who had just been told that they were going blind and there was nothing to do about it.
It made her anger falter a little, but it didn’t make it go away.
“Yes,” she said. “I’m not coming with you. I’m going to stay with my mum.” Not wanting to see his expression, she turned around and hoisted her back up over her shoulder, not minding that she still needed to get some things. She needed to get out, and it had to be now. “I’m sorry Doctor, I just can’t,”
“You’re leaving?” he got out. He was standing completely still, staring at her as if she was a ghost, not really there at all.
Transparent. Not important.
Rose took the easy way, the cowards way, and muttered a quick and quiet ‘yes’, before exiting the room, not looking back.
Of course, she didn’t get very far. To the console room only, before hurried steps sounded behind her and a hand gripped the lapel of her bag to stop her.
“Why?” The Doctor exclaimed as he slipped around to face her, eyes huge and filled with hurt. He looked like a little school-boy, and it would be so easy to fall into that trap, to forget that he was actually over nine-hundred and able to manipulate people around him like pieces on a chess-boards.
Able to say just the right word that would drive his loved ones far away.
“I just can’t do this anymore,” she admitted, all thoughts of not telling the truth flying out of her head.
“What? Why not?” he sounded angry now. Again.
“Have you not been listening to a word I’ve said?” she snapped, wrenching herself out of his hold. “I am tired of you making me feel like I’m two feet tall, of always guessing what you’re really thinking, of having something… regeneration, former companions, bloody children, just dumped on me without a seconds warning and then left to dangle there, because you never explain, never let anyone in. And that’s okay, it’s your life and your decision, but you cannot expect everyone to always follow you act. It’s a losing game with you, always has been, and I nearly died and if I had, my last memory would have been of you degrading me and that’s not how I want to live my life – and it doesn’t matter how much I want to stay, how much this actually hurts, because I’ve realized that no matter how much you love a person, it is never a good enough reason to stay with them if they keep hurting you like this.”
Rose sucked in a large breath as she finished her speech, feeling lighter than she had for many months, but also cringing a bit as she was pretty sure there had been a confession of love in there, amidst all the accusations and hurt. Great. Another reason she should leave right now.
Silence stretched out as they stared at each other.
“You’re right,” he finally said, looking down at her with his adorable ruffled hair and impossibly large eyes.
“What?”
“You shouldn’t stay with someone who hurts you.”
She felt her heart drop, but she bravely stood her ground and nodded sharply. “Exactly.” Her voice was not shaking. Oh no. Not at all.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he then mumbled, and she realized with a pang that this was probably the last time she was going to hear that oh-so familiar phrase.
“It’s alright,” she said, smiling, mostly to just reassure him. “I wouldn’t have missed this, you know, I wouldn’t… I don’t regret coming with you. I don’t, I just…”
“Rose…” he interrupted.
“Yes?”
“Please stay,”
She’d thought she hadn’t been able to breathe before. She definitely wasn’t able to now.
“Wh… what?”
“I said, please stay. I won’t repeat it again,” he looked hurt and proud, a lost teenager and a powerful man who never gave second chances.
She realized with something akin to awe, that this was the fourth time he’d asked her to come with him.
But could she really stay – see him regret it, truly regret it, get back to going on wonderful, mad adventures and then simply fall back into the same pattern?
She’d made her decision. She wasn’t a child any longer, and she had to tell him that. She had to get out.
She’d wonder, later, if he could read her like an open book or if he was just that desperate to start with. Whatever it was, it was not what she’d been expecting and it was, to be honest, playing it a bit dirty.
He kissed her.
Hands cupping each side of her head, lips brushing hers gently before pressing a bit harder, teeth biting down her bottom-lip and tongue coming out to soothe the hurt, and yes, that was most decidedly her knees going a bit weak, and his tongue taking advantage of her open mouth as she moaned.
She managed to wrench herself away from him when she needed to breathe, and she had to ignore his pout at her lack of attention to him, as she tried to gather her thoughts again.
“That… that wasn’t fair,” she got out.
“Sorry,” the Doctor said. He really didn’t sound like he meant it.
“I… I hate you.”
“Really? Are you sure?” he asked in wide-eyed wonder, before dipping his head and kissing her again. She was going to push him away, she really was, but then her hands slipped into his hair instead, pressing him closer, and then it was his turn to pull away, grinning down at her like he’d just won the lottery.
“Doesn’t feel like hate to me!”
“You’re a bastard,” she hissed, not loosening her hold on him. His eyes softened a bit.
“It’s not easy for me,” he said. “Hundreds of years traveling with humans, and you’d think I’d get it, but I don’t. You never get over your, well, your main programming they say, and I grew up in a culture that was so different, and even if I rebelled against that, it’s still part of who I am. And it’s what I do, running away, what I’ve always done. It’s easier if you don’t look back, but it also makes it hard to learn from past mistakes. And I’m trying, really, I’m actually… I’m trying harder than I ever have before, ever since… ever since you came on board, because I want to… I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I never meant to hurt you, in fact, hurting Rose Tyler should be a capital offense all across the galaxy. Making her cry should give you at least five years in prison, in my not so humble opinion.”
He was trying to make her smile now, shifting focus away from his confession like he always did.
“You’d be in prison a long time then,” she let slip, and regretted it as she watched him cringe. “Sorry. I don’t mean to be… well, a complete cow, I just…”
“You shouldn’t put up with it,” he said. “You’re right, when someone you… I mean, just because you care for me, it doesn’t mean you should put up with me if I make you feel like that. I’m just… I’m bad at seeing it myself. It’s always so loud in my head, timelines and possibilities and they’re twisting and turning, and it’s so hard to focus sometimes. It’s easier to…”
“To just not look,” Rose finished for him. “Much easier to just run away from it all,”
“Yes,” he mumbled, one hand slipping away from around her waist to pull at his ear. “Guess that makes me a coward.”
“I was gonna run away from you too,” she said, eyeing her bag that she had dropped on the floor. “So I’m as much of a coward as you.”
She didn’t miss the light in his eyes, the tell-tale sign that – despite being an oblivious sod – he hadn’t missed the implications of those words.
“So… you want to be cowards together?”
“If I’m still allowed to snog you,” she said, feeling daring and bold and clearly taking him by surprise. Then he grinned again.
“I’d honestly be disappointed if you didn’t,” he admitted and she was pretty sure that they were both grinning like complete idiots now, and then they were snogging again, her pressed tightly against him and it was just getting really good…
“Oi! Alien-sod, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Um, Jackie… I can explain…”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2011-12-13 07:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-14 02:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-13 07:33 pm (UTC)This:
“I was gonna run away from you too,” she said, eyeing her bag that she had dropped on the floor. “So I’m as much of a coward as you.”
She didn’t miss the light in his eyes, the tell-tale sign that – despite being an oblivious sod – he hadn’t missed the implications of those words.
“So… you want to be cowards together?”
“If I’m still allowed to snog you,” she said, feeling daring and bold and clearly taking him by surprise. Then he grinned again.
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Date: 2011-12-14 05:41 am (UTC)I loooove righteously angry Rose so much, and her speech was perfect. Love their characterization, and the Doctor being oblivious when he comes across her packing. It's lovely to see them actually work on their issues.
the Doctor's tactics at the end were pretty dirty though. ;) Hopefully they can learn and grow from his inevitable mistakes!
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