![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keep_countingCharacters/Pairings: Ten/Rose, Donna Noble, Jack Harkness, Sarah-Jane Smith, Amy Pond, Rory Williams
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Lots of sexual innuendoes, lots of swearing, drunken people and general shenanigans.
Genre: Humor/Romance/Fluff/Friendship/Pure Crack
Word-count: 2,813 (6,041 in all)
A/N: Christmas prompt for
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
the_silverdoeI'd like to apologize in advance for all of this. Pure crack!Summary: When they'd decided to celebrate Christmas back in Cardiff with Jack, this is probably not quite what the Doctor and his two companions had had in mind. And to think it all started with a severely misplaced mistletoe...
Part I is here
“Ugh… what happened?” Jack muttered, peeling himself off the grated TARDIS-floor. “Aw, that’s gonna bruise in the morning.”
“Oh, stop complaining, you heal ten times faster than normal humans.” The Doctor muttered, already standing and tapping at the console-screen. “Where the hell are we?”
“Wherever it is, we better be able to get back as well. Rose and Donna are going to murder us if we’re not back in time for Christmas Eve.”
The Doctor paled considerably. “You think I don’t know that?”
“Just checking.”
“You’re not the one who has to travel with them afterwards – I’m telling you, the TARDIS is a small place to be when both of them are out for your blood.” His eyes flickered briefly to Jack. “Hey, have you reconsidered my offer to join?”
“Oooh, no, I am not coming there so you can blame it all on me. This, whatever it is, is much more likely to be your fault than mine, and the girls definitely know that.”
The Doctor sniffed in annoyance. “You have such faith in me Jack.”
“Part of what makes this relationship work so well!”
“Right yes – and by the way, I didn’t even touch anything, so this is most definitely not my fault! Maybe the Rift acting up, and since you were supposed to be monitoring it, that makes it your fault!”
“And why exactly was it that I wasn’t monitoring it? Could it be because a certain Time Lord had to lift his sorrows for a little while and complain for half an hour about how hard his life traveling with two beautiful women is?”
The Doctor opened his mouth and closed it again. “Alright you got me there… in fact…” his eyes drifted over, landing on one of the levers that looked like it had pulled itself. “What… is that?”
Jack moved closer. “Um… a leaf?”
“Not just any leaf Jack… it’s a mistletoe-leaf!” The Doctor exclaimed, eyes widening in realization. Jack just stared.
“Okay?”
“The mistletoe Jack!” Spinning around, the Doctor glanced at where it had formerly hung, eyes sweeping down to the floor where, just as expected, a bit of green and white where poking out through the grating. “It must have fallen in places it really shouldn’t fall!”
Jack looked like a light bulb should be glowing over his head. “Oh, of course! So this is actually all Donna’s fault?”
“Yep!” The Doctor cheered, thought his huge smile vanished quickly. “Let’s… let’s not tell her that though.”
“No, you’re right. Better if we don’t…” Jack agreed. “So, how is explained. Now I would like to know where and quite possibly when and also: how the hell do we get back?”
“Waaait a minute, let me just check…” The Doctor clicked his tongue, staring intently at the swirling circles on the screen. “We are… no… not it can’t be.”
“What? What can’t be?”
“We’re in… well, a different universe, but actually it’s more complicated than that. You see, time isn’t just linear, it’s more a big ball of wibbly-wobbly…”
“Yesyes, you’ve explained that part,” Jack interrupted, just as the shrill noise of the phone ringing cut through the air. He reached it faster than the Doctor, lifting it to his ear and winking at the sulking Time Lord.
“Yes, hello, TARDIS-phone, this is Jack speaking?” He said in his best bedroom-voice. “Oh, Rose, hi! No… no nothing’s wrong… we don’t know what happened, it just started flying. We didn’t do anything, I swear. No, I’m not just covering up for the Doctor, he really didn’t do anything. Yeah? Aha? Sarah-Jane, really?” he pulled the phone away from his ear. “Sarah-Jane says ‘hi and get your ass back here right now!’”
The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Right yes, say hi right back.”
“Yeah, he says hi as well. Okay? No… no, tell Donna not to touch that. Under no circumstances touch that. She already did? Well… umm… tell her to go wash her finger then… with bleach. What it was doing in my room? Well… um… that’s a long story really. Involves antlers. Yeah? Hold on, I’ll ask him…” Jack pulled the phone away again. “She wants to know where we are.”
“Give me the phone!”
“Nuh-uh, you can’t talk to Rose until you’ve snogged her!”
“Jack, my ship, my rules!”
A loud noise from the phone made them both jump, Jack putting it back to his ear. “Hello? Yeah… oh,” he pulled it away one more time. “She says she can hear us.”
The Doctor groaned in mortification. Jack smirked.
“Look, just answer me, where are we?”
“It’s not… it’s not a parallel universe, except it is but it’s more like… you know, I told you I see all of time right? So I see everything that could have been, like what if I’d never met a certain person or if, I don’t know, you had been too late to shoot that Dalek that was coming to get at me back when the Earth was moved, right? And well, this is… this is not as much a parallel universe, except it is, but it’s more of an… an alternate timeline…”
“What?” Rose yelled from the other line. “What does he mean, ‘alternate timeline’?”
The Doctor swept forward and grabbed the phone out of Jack’s grip. “Rose, we’ll be back soon okay? Just stay put.” He said, hanging up and starting to furiously work at the controls.
“I don’t understand,” Jack said, looking calmly at the clearly aggravated Time Lord. “What does this mean, exactly?”
“It means that out there, on the other side of that door, is a version of me that could have been or maybe still will be, but has happened sooner, or maybe it will never be, but the point is that we shouldn’t be here and this is all the fault of you silly humans for inventing holidays where you have to kiss just because you’re standing under a plant – I mean, do you have any idea how many people live their life constantly under wild-life and the like? Forest-people, for instance, when would they get a break?”
Jack opened his mouth to answer – or just say something that wasn’t, ‘uuuum what?’ but the sound of the TARDIS door opening made him stop short and spin around to face the newcomer.
“Doctor? Is that you?” A Scottish accent filled the air. Jack raised his eyes to the tall, long-legged ginger that had just entered the room
"Why, hello there,” he smirked, inching a little closer. “I am Captain Jack Harkness. And you would be?”
The woman raised one slender eyebrow. “Amy Pond.”
“Pleasure to meet you Amy Pond,”
Amy’s smile turned even wider. “I bet it is,”
“What…” The Doctor started, but then the doors where thrown open once more, a young man bursting in.
“Amy! Where’s… Oh,” he stopped short, looking around. “Why is the TARDIS looking so weird? And who the hell are you?” he was evidently trying to glare at Jack, but the equal measure of curiosity made him just look expectant.
“This is Captain Harkness,” Amy introduced, rolling the words in her mouth like sugared honey. “Captain, this is my husband, Rory Williams,”
Ah. Well. That explained it. “Your husband?”
Rory folded his arms across his chest. Definitely a glare this time.
“Yeah, is that a problem?”
Jack grinned. “Not at all!”
“Stop!” The Doctor exclaimed, holding up his hands. “Seriously, just… no time for explanations, you two, just get out before… oh no! Nonononononono! No!” He yelled, as sparks flew from the console, the TARDIS suddenly going dark around them. “Aaaargh! This is what I feared would happen!”
“What is it?” Amy said, marching further into the ship. “And who are you? What are you even doing here?”
“I’m the Doctor!”
“No you’re not!” Amy huffed, arms folded across her chest. “I know the Doctor, and you are most definitely not him.”
The Doctor sighed. “I really need to start telling my companions about regeneration. First thing on the agenda from now on, I swear!”
Jack scratched his chin. “Have you told Donna?”
“Not helping Jack!”
“Look, whoever they are, I think we should just leave,” Rory broke in. “We can go back to the Doctor – well, the Doctor we know anyway – and you guys can sort this out.”
“Noo, wait,” Jack protested. “So, this Doctor of yours, is he nearby?”
“Stop it!” the Doctor complained, busy fiddling with the controls.
“But I want to see!” Jack cheekily grinned, completely ignoring the Oncoming Storm-glare he received.
“No, Jack, we can’t. It’s dangerous.”
“But maybe he would be able to help?”
“Damn!” The Doctor muttered as the final spark went out. “Completely dead… oh… I’m going to have to ask myself for help, aren’t I?”
Jack’s grin turned wider. “Seems like it.”
oOo
“This is really nice,” Jack commented, looking around the cozy bedroom. “It’s yours?”
“Yeah. Lived here my entire life. Well, until I moved in with Rory, but I left some things behind and wanted to come back and get ‘em,” Amy explained, looking warily as the man who was apparently the Doctor moved over to her working table, looking at the various figures and toys. To her big surprise, he picked up her miniature replica of the TARDIS and turned around to smile at her.
“This is really well done.”
Amy blinked. “Um, thank-you. I was only seven when I made it,”
“You knew me that long? Well, there you go,” he put the little toy back on its place. “Where is he anyway?”
“He took off,” Rory huffed, seating himself on the bed. “Said he had something terribly important to do.”
“He said he’d only be five minutes,” Amy reassured them. Rory huffed yet again.
“Yeah, last time he said that it turned out to be two years.”
Jack snickered, the Doctor glared and a heavy silence laid itself over them.
“So… um… how did you guys end up here?” Rory asked, desperate to break the silence.
“It’s all because the Doctor simply refused to snog his girlfriend,” Jack pointedly stated before anyone else could say anything. The Doctor gaped at him. Rory gaped at him. Amy cheered.
“That’s… it’s not… she’s not… she’s not my girlfriend!”
“Who is it?” Amy pressed on, moving closer to Jack as he seemed the primary source of information on this.
“Her name’s Rose Tyler,” Jack informed her against the Doctor’s vehement protests. “But he’s being a prat about it, and she’s keeping up with it because she’s too sweet.”
“Really? So they haven’t… you know…”
“What, the sex? Nah, not yet at least. Though Donna and I have a plan to make sure that changes. Donna’s his other traveling companion. I think you’d rather like her.”
“Yes, they could talk about their hair,” the Doctor muttered under his breath, glaring at the side of Amy’s head with envy.
Amy tilted her head, looking curious. “Do you think anyone’s ever had sex on the console or just…”
“ALRIGHT!” The Doctor yelled, mortified at the turn of conversation and how Jack’s eyes were sparkling in pure interest. “Amy, do you happen to have a vacuum-cleaner?”
The red-head frowned. “Yeah, sure, why?”
“Because then I think I know how to fix the TARDIS without having to meet my other self.” The Doctor explained, grasping for the most domestic solution: vacuum up the bit of mistletoe stuck inside the TARDIS.
Rory got up. “Just as well – I couldn’t imagine the two of you in a room together. Though maybe you could swap stories about bowties.”
“Bow… what?”
Amy laughed. “Just come on,” she said, leading them downstairs. “This is very weird you know – I mean, you are really… you’re really him, aren’t you?”
The Doctor stopped short, staring at the young woman. “Yes, Amy, I am.”
“So… you’re what, a future version? Have you had to take over someone else’s body or something?”
“No it’s… errr… it’s a bit more complicated than that. When I come back… that is, the me you know, ask him to tell you about regeneration, yeah?”
“Alright,” Amy mumbled.
“And I’m not a future version, I’m… a past version. He’s been me, and maybe one day I will be him. By this time, I mean my time, for him, he would have already been him instead of me, so I can’t be sure if I will be him, because I turned into him before I have now, you see? So maybe I’ll turn into someone else, or just turn into him a bit later. You see?”
Amy stared at him. “No?”
“Ah, well, good. I don’t either.”
She grinned widely at him, then sobered a bit. “So… this… I mean, does that mean that there’s another version of me that never got to meet you?”
The Doctor tilted his head to the side. “I shaped a huge part of your life, didn’t I?”
“Yeah. You have no idea how much.” She managed to sound both bitter and happy about that fact.
“That’s never… I don’t think that’s a good thing.”
She stubbornly raised her chin. “I think it is.” She marched past him and out into the garden. “Let’s get your TARDIS fixed, and you can be home in time for Christmas!”
oOo
“Florida,”
“Aw, no, I want Florida!” Rose complained, pulling the blanket tighter around her.
“Maybe you could trade it,” Sarah-Jane suggested.
“You’re not getting Scotland,” Donna snapped as soon as Rose opened her mouth. The blonde sulkily closed it again. “Not all of it anyway,”
“Can I get Naples?”
“Yeah, whatever. But I want Florida.”
“I want Florida as well! You can’t just take Florida!”
“But I just did…”
“Girls, girls!” Sarah-Jane held up her hands in the air. “Look, why don’t I just take Florida then, huh? Could do with some sun instead of living in rainy old London.”
Donna looked at Rose and shrugged. “Yeah, alright. You get Florida, but then you have to help us when we bring down the British Government, you hear?”
Sarah-Jane smiled. “Ready when you call… oh.”
“Is that?”
“Yes it is!” Rose jumped up, the cards from their game of Go Fish being strewn everywhere as she ran towards the place that all-too familiar noise was coming from. “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon…”
The TARDIS appeared and the Doctor stepped out, followed swiftly by Jack.
“Donna! I have taken down all of the mistletoe,” was the first thing out of the Doctor’s mouth as his feet hit the Hub’s floor. “They are a very great hazard to the environment!”
Donna scowled. “Did you get the one in the wardrobe as well?”
“What? There’s one in the wardrobe?”
“And the snooker room, and by the pool, in the library, the tennis-room…”
“I hate you.”
“Aw, don’t, it’s Christmas,” Rose protested. “Let’s just all go inside and have dinner, yeah?”
“Alright,” the Doctor said, stepping forward to enthusiastically greet Sarah-Jane. “Merry Christmas!”
oOo
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk.”
“You are… good ol’ immortal-stoner… something-drunk.”
Jack laughed. “I’m not drunk, but I think you are.”
Donna scrunched up her nose. “No way. Need to drink at least ten more of these before I am.” She happily clinked her small glass against the one resting between Jack’s fingers. The ex-Time Agent laughed again.
“You’ve already had thirteen.”
“Whatevs… I’m only drunk because he is an idiot,” she said, pointing her finger straight ahead. Jack arched an eyebrow.
“Are you talking about me?” Rose asked, looking at the wavering finger. Donna frowned.
“No, I mean the moron next to you.”
“Hey!” the Doctor protested.
“If it wasn’t for you we would… we woulda gotten a star for that Christmas-tree, but now we don’t have one and that is just stupid.”
“Actually…” the Doctor said, smiling hugely. “I did get something for the tree.”
“What? Really?” Rose asked. “What?”
“Come and see,” he said, standing up and leading all of them out of the kitchen and into the living-room where Donna had placed the enormous tree.
And there, right on the top, sat a small, wooden replica of the blue box they were currently residing in.
“Oh, that looks wonderful,” Sarah-Jane said, a little distracted as she had taken on the task of supporting the swaying and drunken Donna, who was currently busy blinking up at the top of the tree.
“Yeah, ‘s beautiful. Where’d you get that? Doctor… Doc??” She turned her head around but couldn’t see him nor Rose anywhere. “Where’d he go?”
“He’s snogging Rose in the wardrobe,” Jack informed her from his place leaned against the doorway. “Just as I suggested he do.”
“Aaah,” Donna grinned widely. “Finally.”
“Yes, finally.”
“Jack?”
“Hmm?”
“I am so glad we finally got a chance to spike his drink.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
“And you know what?”
“What?”
“I bet Rose is too,”
Jack laughed. “I’m sure she’s going to be.”
Merry Christmas everyone ;-)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-12-23 03:22 pm (UTC)This is perfect, I LOVE it!! Also this turned into a really big baby, I didn't think you'd have written this much! ;P
Now excuse me while I catch my breath, I'll be back later with a more constructive comment! ;)
no subject
Date: 2011-12-23 03:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-23 04:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-23 06:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-23 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-24 10:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-23 09:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-24 10:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-24 03:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-24 03:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-27 01:39 am (UTC)So much awesome going on in this! I love that we have Rose and Donna and Jack and Sarah Jane shenanigans.
Things I especially loved:
Donna and Rose dividing up countries in their world domination scheme, Sarah and Rose giggling over the Doctor being a prat, Donna's relentless trolling of the Doctor, the Doctor's misplaced jealousy towards Jack, the Jack-Donna alliance, Jack wanting to shag the Ponds, and the Doctor and Rose finally snogging at the end.
and, ALL THESE LINES:
“You’ve been around and apparently have a weird fetish for mistletoe. So why the question?”
I must say, Doctor, I’m not angry, just very disappointed.”
if you don’t get your act together soon, I am going to shag Rose, because by now the poor girl has enough pent up sexual tension to power up all of Cardiff!”
Could it be because a certain Time Lord had to lift his sorrows for a little while and complain for half an hour about how hard his life traveling with two beautiful women is?”
I’m bursting full of inklings, I’ve been nothing but inkling, I’ve…”
“Ah, well, good. I don’t either.”
no subject
Date: 2011-12-27 03:05 pm (UTC)(and I was going to include River as well, because IMAGINE what her and Jack would get up to, but she sneakishly slipped from my grasp. Maybe next time!)
no subject
Date: 2011-12-27 05:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-27 03:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-27 03:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-27 03:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-28 03:13 pm (UTC)Thanks for the Christmas cheer :D
no subject
Date: 2011-12-28 10:10 pm (UTC)I'm very glad you liked it :D
no subject
Date: 2011-12-30 03:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-30 10:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-03 09:27 pm (UTC)“And I’m not a future version, I’m… a past version. He’s been me, and maybe one day I will be him. By this time, I mean my time, for him, he would have already been him instead of me, so I can’t be sure if I will be him, because I turned into him before I have now, you see? So maybe I’ll turn into someone else, or just turn into him a bit later. You see?”
Amy stared at him. “No?”
“Ah, well, good. I don’t either.”
A great ending. Loved the little TARDIS on top of the tree and finally the Doctor and Rose going for it in the wardrobe under the mistletoe. A hilarious and warm hearted fic all round. Thanks for sharing it with us.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 09:02 am (UTC)